{Adoption}

I get so many emails and facebook messages regarding questions surrounding adoption. I figured it would be great to write a little how to adopt post to show you all just how easy it is to adopt a child and change a life forever.  Adoption is for everyone -- we as Christians are all called to take care of Orphans.  For some of us, it means taking in a child and calling them our own.  For others it means being a temporary home and walking children through crisis until their home is once again safe or a forever home is found.  And for others it means supporting those who do these things.  Obviously not just anyone can adopt a medically complex kid -- but there are so many kids right here in the USA needing a home both with medical needs and without.

I think we as a culture, especially a Christian culture, often look to far to find our place to make a difference.  After all, sometimes the people in greatest need are within arms reach.  Adoption is beautiful and a God thing no matter where in the world the child is from but please don't write off those children in our own area.  We assume that these kids are taken good care of since they live within a society of wealth -- think again.  I'm not going to give details about our adopted kids pasts, because after all it's not my story to tell, but once our eyes have seen, we can never again pretend those problems don't happen right here in our very own first world nation.

After Gavin's death we knew we wanted more kids.  We wanted to give other kids the same amazing life that our son Gavin was able to have.  At some point in February of 2010 our world was rocked -- someone told us that Adoption in the USA is free.  Did you hear that?  There is little to no cost to adopt a child within the children and youth welfare system.  Adam and I wanted to adopt a child even before we started making babies of our own, but pretty much wrote it off as we really are your typical middle class one income family.  When we found out that this really could be  possibility, we quickly wanted to learn more.  

I did a little online search for local adoption agencies.  Understand that there is a difference between private adoption agencies (pregnant birth mothers looking for adoptive parents for their unborn child) and foster care/adoption agencies.  Although we did not do foster care, our agency that we picked does both, since these kids all are in the same system.  Once we found an agency we were invited for an informational meeting -- basically we watched a really bad VHS from the 80's explaining the types of kids we may encounter -- hurting kids who had suffered all kids of abuse and neglect.  We were given a paper to fill out, if we weren't scared away by the VHS, to sign up for a training class to start the process of becoming adoptive parents.

Our training class met once a week for 12 weeks.  It basically trained us on the entire foster care system.  At this point it was explained that there are three basic types of placements.  The first is foster care, which most people understand.  This is a temporary home until the child can either be reunited with the family or parental rights are terminated and another family can be found -- of course sometimes the foster parent then has the option to adopt the child, but that's not the original plan.  The second type is called legal risk adoption.  This is for families wanting to adopt younger kids under the age of three. This can be a bit tricky to fully understand but basically is when the legal and foster care system suspects that the children's parent's parental rights will soon be terminated but haven't yet.  For example, as birth mom who has 10 kids all of which have been taken away and placed up for adoption and birth mom is now pregnant again and ready to deliver.  Mostly likely that baby will need a new family but it hasn't happened yet and if you accept the child there is always the risk that parental rights will not be terminated and the child will go back home. 

The last form is straight adoption.  This is what we did.  We technically would have done legal risk but because of our previous loss we didn't want to set Madison up for another loss.  It would have been devastating to bring a child home then have that child leave us.  For our season, that was not the best option for us.  The kids who are ready to straight adopt have no parents -- no parental rights.  They are either in a foster home or more institutional setting.  These are the kids that the system has deemed high risk -- sadly they may never find a home, age out of the system and live their entire lives with the idea that they were never wanted or sought after -- ever.  My heart hurts just typing that out.  It's a cruel reality that somehow the Church has chosen to ignore.  These kids are hurting, often come with more scars than any adult would ever be able to endure.  Our little ones are also put into this category.  Kids with medical issues are very hard to find homes for.  Sure, lots of people fall in love with their photo and think they want to take them home, but the fact is that these kids need specialized care and the families willing and able to provide that care are few.

Once we finished our training our home study began.  This was weekly visits made by our adoption worker to our home where our entire life was explored.  Our house was inspected -- trust me you don't need to have a nice or huge home.  We basically just talked about everything -- everything.  After about  3 months our home study was complete and we were officially approved as adoptive parents.  After we were approved our matching began.  This is where our situation is very different from the average placement.  It can take a long time to be matched with a child who is under 3, but for us, since we were willing to pretty much take any child, we were kinda unofficially matched with Angela before our home study was even officially complete.  We interviewed at Philadelphia Department of Human Services and were told on the spot that they would like us to become Angela's mommie and daddy.  You can read more about Angela's  adoption story here -- but for us it was very fast and very easy.  We were matched with Angela in November and we brought her home for good on December 10th, 2010. Jayden was a little different but still very untypical -- very easy.  

Adoption takes at least six months to finalize.  During those first six months the child is not legally yours -- you care for him or her as if they were your own but technically you do not yet hold legal custody, this is why we have to censor Jayden's handsome face.  At the six month mark you will go to court and state in front of the judge that you swear to "love and care for this new child as if born unto you."  This was probably the most amazing part of adoption and can be compared to the moment a mother gives birth to her baby -- so cool.  At the end of your short little time in court the judge declares the child legally yours and in a few months you get a new birth certificate listing you name as the parents, as if you gave birth.

For some children, like ours, we receive a monthly stipend to help care for them and prepare for their future.  I never really like to tell people this, as I would never want anyone to think it's about money -- and let me tell you it's not a whole lot, but it does help.  These kids are very expensive and if our government currently wants to help out -- we'll take the help.  At age 18 the support will end and we need to be prepared to make sure they are well taken care of.  After adoption is finalized you also qualify for a nice tax credit.  I'm saying these things so that people will realize just how many supports are available to make adoption work.

I say it all the time -- adoption is amazing.  I encourage you to explore what is right for you.  Bringing a child home may not be for you but supporting those who do is essential.  For more information on US adoption visit www.adoptuskids.org

{Making Progress}

Progress is just so darn awesome to watch and even more spectacular to be apart of. I know people say all the time to us that they just can't even imagine going through some of the difficult things we have faced and then choosing to do it all again -- times two.  I realize that people will never fully understand unless they have walked in our shoes, but this little girl in these photos is a perfect example of just how we can do this again -- times two.  There is no greater feeling than being watching a miracle unfold right before your eyes.  Everyday I look at this child and I'm just totally blown away.  Every session of physical therapy I hold back tears, cause I'm simply overwhelmed with the transformation that has occurred in her little life.  To think that our one decision to say yes -- to say yes to Gods plan for our lives, made this all possible.  Wow.  Literally takes my breath away.

Anyway, Angela is getting so very strong.  She is moving all around the living room on her back and she is moving fast!  The connection has finally been made that if she moves she actually goes somewhere and can get things she wants.  Because of her visual impairment this has been a huge struggle for her to learn.  But now, she can see a ball all the way across the room, decide she wants it and will go over and get it.  Big, huge, amazing stuff! 

Because of her new strength we have been able to make a few modifications to her wheelchair.  We are beginning to prepare her for her new chair by keeping the chair at a 90 degree angle all the times and to not use the tilt feature in the chair.  When Angela first came home she really needed the tilt as she has little head and trunk control.  She no longer needs this and since her new chair will not have this feature I figured we would begin now.  We also removed her arm rests.  I feel like this opened up her world a bit more.  Angela's tone throughout her trunk is both floppy and spastic.  She functions very well like this.  By opening up her range of motion she is now able to bend over and reach for things (mostly Jayden) then use her spastic tone to pull herself back up.  She does not do well with a chest harness.  We have been told by some PT's that it is important that she wears it so she can focus more on using her arms and not have to think so hard about her trunk -- this isn't how Angela works.  If you give her more range of motion her little body just functions much better.

One of the most exciting changes is that Angela was given a new iPad.  People are amazing and we are so very thankful beyond what I could possible write here on this blog.  As a part of Angela's new IEP for school one of our goals will be to take a short video clip at the end of each school day allowing Angela, with the help of her classmates and aid to tell me what they did in school each day.  Since Angela will not be able to express it herself we will use the iPad to record it so when she gets home she can tell me by showing me her video clip.  I have another mom to thank for this idea -- very excited about it.

Angela communication skills using the My First AAC aap have skyrocketed.  This girl loves to talk and when her talker or iPad is not within reach she get very mad and will hit her arm down until I either get it or tell her the battery is dead.  The one issue that I had is that when in many social settings people cannot hear her voice though the iPad.  Last week I purchased a speaker system that attaches directly onto the iPad making it louder so that her little voice can her heard -- after all she has very important things to say.

Love this girl -- love watching the hand of God so strongly on her life.  Love that I can play a small part in her story -- in her miracle!

{New Glasses}

Last week we picked up Angela new glasses.  Angela's visual issues are very interesting.  When the average person thinks of visual impairment they normally think of coke bottle size glasses.  This isn't the case with Angela.  Her visual issues mostly stem from her brain damage.  Her Brain does not comprehend visual signals like the average persons.  She needs to look harder and actually make the effort to visually understand what she is looking at.

Like I said last week, Angela's vision has done a complete 180 turn.  But she still obviously needs glasses due to her nearsightedness. Her actual eye's have gotten a little bit worse this past 6 months.  Her prescription increased a significant amount and her issues with her eyes turning out has also increased.  The increase in her prescription should help her eyes turn back in but eventually she may need corrective surgery to fix this.  You can see in her close up photos how her eye turns significantly out.

What is interesting is that these new glasses and the new prescription has been a huge adjustment for her.  Her vision actually seemed worse at first, which makes sense since most of her visual impairment is within her brain.  This past week she has had to relearn how to understand what she is seeing, which should now be more clear and crisp for her.

Although I loved her blue glasses, these red one are a close match.  I should add that Angela picked these glasses out.  Now that she is able to use her iPad to tell us yes and no things are getting rather fun with finding out just what this little girl likes.  I put another pair on her and she insisted that they were not the pair for her -- she kept hitting "no" when asked if she liked them.

When I put these red frames on her and put the mirror in front of her face she lit up with a huge smile and said "yes" like a million times. So cool to be able to know what her little mind is thinking and wanting!

{Embracing The Process}

Life is all about process. We as a culture want everything fast -- we are an impulsive people group.  But truth is very rarely does a good thing happen without a process preceding it. These past weeks have been so difficult with Jayden.  There are certain behaviors that he has that developed as a result of his first two years of life that we are determined to help him overcome.  These behaviors are self harming and really hold him back from reaching his full potential.  We dealt with some of the same behaviors with Angela, and I think these behaviors are probably pretty common with kids like Angela and Jayden who seek sensory input and are not able to find in their environment.  

It's so easy for us to just want to snap our fingers and fast forward -- but that's just not how life works. It's in the process that amazing things happen.  It's so important to live in the moment and not always be wanting and hoping for the future -- we will miss out on so much!  Its though our sweat and tears that amazing bonding will happen, growth will occur and love will deepen.

I know for sure God delights in process.  It's during our times of waiting that our need for him is most seen.  I feel like sometimes He even makes us wait longer, and maybe even with a smirk on his face,  just to get us off our high horse and recognize that we simply can't do this thing called life on our own. When will we learn?  When will I learn?  As I said in a previous post -- I was never meant to do this alone.  

Jayden is teaching me so much about myself, forcing me to slow down, reorganize and re-approach.  Being a mommie to both birth and adopted children requires me to think outside the box.  What works for one child will not work for another.  In some ways it gives me this huge arsenal of strategies because all my children need different approaches.  

I feel like I'm rambling on, and I guess I kinda am.  I needed to hear this today.  I need to be reminded to embrace the process.  Good things are right around the corner, but if I focus so much on the future I might miss out on some amazing moments happening right now.

**sigh

I'm embracing the process.

{Children First}

I am so excited to send Angela off to preschool in the fall.  For most kids preschool really isn't that big of a deal, but for Angela is signifies something huge -- something bigger than I can even wrap my mind around.  With the excitement of the endless possibilities this school year will hold, also come lots of planning -- the part that's not quite as exciting.  

I'm waiting to hear back on a date to have Angela evaluated for her IEP.  Since Angela didn't receive any services this past year we will need to start over as if she never had an IEP.  For those who are new to this story, we decided to reject Angela's IEP last year after the school district was not willing to compromise on the number of therapy hours they wanted her to receive.  Basically, they wanted more and we wanted way less -- we wanted her to have time to be a three year old and enjoy life.  Since they were unwilling to work with us, we decided to not do services through the school district.  Let me tell you -- this was the best decision we ever made.  It's not for everyone and oh, did I get lots of mean comments about our decision, but looking at Angela now -- I'm so proud that I stuck with it and did things a little different.

This year she is ready.  I have no doubt.  Last year I felt so uneasy about her IEP meeting -- this year I've got big plans and goals and I'm excited to get them all together -- to let Angela's needs be known and help the district help Angela reach her full potential. 

Two weeks ago I received paperwork in the mail that needed to be filled out prior to her evaluation.  I about freaked when I got it.  It basically was three standard questionnaires.  I hate questionnaires and feel that no child should ever be defined using standardized norms.  After all, what person on Earth is really normal? Who gets to decide what normal is?  I sent them all back blank.  I know they are simply a tool the school uses, but I refuse for my children to be defined on paper.  According to that questionnaire Angela would score with little to no function.  Although they say they don't look at those until after actually seeing the child -- I don't care.  They will learn about Angela's awesomeness when they see her in person.  It's just the way it needs to be -- it should be that way for every child.  

I look at my children and I see children first.  I see two beautiful little girls who are smart and have so much to teach and show this world. I see a little boy who has fought so hard to survive and who is busting out of his shell that has held his little mind and body captive for two years. I refuse to let anyone see anything different.

I'm excited to walk into that evaluation room and show them that us Owens' do things a little different.  I will choose to be open minded and teachable and will demand that the same respect is returned.  I'm excited and confident because the past two years of hard work has paid off.  Like I said in previous posts -- I refuse to hold my baby girl back.  There are risks, but they are worth taking.  Angela deserves autonomy -- a chance to become her own little person to live her own life outside mommie, but rest assured mommie will be right behind her pushing and cheering her on.

I look at Angela and see a child first.  Those silly disabilities mean nothing -- they just make life a bit more interesting!