{Eight Years of Amazing}

Today Adam and I celebrate eight years of amazing marriage -- Ok, well that's actually a big fat lie.  But before everyone starts sending me emails of concern let me explain myself.  Adam and I have a conversation that seems to keep repeating its self -- people often have this crazy perception of our family, like somehow we deify all odds and live a perfect happy life overcoming each and every obstacle that comes our way.  People often view our spiritual lives as something they would love to attain -- and although we are flattered, this often makes us both chuckle on a frequent basis.

During these past eight years we have both dealt with our fair share of issues.  We have gone to bed without speaking, at times let other things come before each other and we have fought -- pretty darn hard.   During our time with Gavin, long hospital stays forced us to live in different worlds -- I at the hospital and Adam left to make sure Madison's needs were met as well as try to give our family financial stability.  We both sat by Gavin's side and watched him endure a slow death and then came home and needed to be a strong mommie and daddy for Madison, still pay the bills and all the while deal with our heavy grief.

So I often ask myself -- how did we make it?  How eight years later can I sit here and tell you without a shadow of doubt that Adam is the most amazing man and partner I could ever ask for.  How did we make it through the other side when so many other families fall apart.

God seriously has had His hand on our lives.

Love is amazing.  It's even more amazing when you choose to form a partnership with the understanding that it is for life.  Love transforms.  Not only does it transform people lives but after these past eight years I'm convinced it also transforms situations -- gives us a new way to view and look at things.  Love is healing.  Adam's love for me gives me the ability to be broken, knowing that when I'm crushed to the floor in a million pieces he still loves me and is willing to stay close as God puts me back together -- and the same goes for him.  Love waits.  Even during a time where it feels impossible to love back, love waits it out and is willing to stay strong even when our hearts feels very week.  Love is honest and willing to admit that we are flawed, that we will never understand some things yet still continues to press on. Love is beautiful, even when we are covered in flilth and are down right ugly it still shines on.

These past eight years, while filled with some of the most difficult experiences I hope to ever encounter, have also been the best years of my life.  Adam has given so much, loved me unconditionally and has been my biggest fan.

Adam, I love you with a deep love I never thought possible. You are my soul mate and I'm excited to walk with you until the end!

{Finding Freedom}

This past week we have been on a roller coaster of emotions concerning Jayden's adoption.  Last week we were under the impression that he was coming home very soon -- as in this week.  We were very excited but guarded, the reason we didn't share any dates publicly.  Well this week, as we kinda feared, the date for him to move in was once again moved.  Ugh.  We were so disappointed beyond words.  It's so complicated and lots of stuff I can't share but It all is just about paperwork and court orders and timing.  

We left Jayden last Friday so tired and frustrated.  It's so hard when you love a child so much to not be able to being him home just because of loose ends and paper work.  The facility where he is living has been so amazing in helping us progress through our training fast and effectively. To be fully trained and ready and still not be able to bring him home is frustrating.  We are now, however, able to take home for the day and will do so several times a week until he is able to officially move home. This Saturday he came home for the first time and we all had an amazing time.  He was a totally different kid.  He was looking all around, very in control and so happy, giving us lots of smiles. He's always a happy boy but you could tell he knew he was somewhere special.

Life is filled with so many moments that we as humans can not possibly understand.  After we left on Friday we just questioned why God felt this week was not the time for Jayden to come home. I know there is a reason and we are choosing to trust in God's perfect timing.  To be honest we could sit for hours running through scenarios in our mind trying to figure out the answer to all this, but one thing we have learned through out journey with Gavin, and are continuing to learn is that sitting questioning why, only brings intense turmoil and such an unsettled feeling.  By choosing to simply say we don't get it -- we don't like it -- but we are going to choose to believe that there is greater purpose and reason we may or may not one day understand -- amazing freedom comes.

Letting go and choosing to wave the white flag is both one of the hardest and easiest decisions to make. 

This Tuesday we get to bring Jayden home over night as our last step in our training.  A nurse from the facility will come with us and observe to make sure we are able to handle all his care though out the night by ourselves.  We are very excited to have him for the night but also bummed since this will be the only overnight visit until he comes home which looks like will be another month away.

Once day closer right?  

{We're Gonna Rock This Year}

2011 was an amazing year.  We welcomed Angela into our family and mastered being a family of five -- four of us here on earth and our little boy in heaven.  We watched Angela change into a different child over these past 12 months.  I remember when Angela first was placed in our home we kept saying -- I wonder what she will be like one year from now.  Well I think we can say without a doubt that her little mind and body has found some major healing this past year.  She is different little girl -- she is focused and social and most of all she has this crazy joy that just flows from her little soul.

We watched Madison grow up in so many ways.  She has grown into a beautiful little lady who really makes us so proud.  She has shown us that she is "ok" in many unspoken ways - you would never know the trauma that she experienced her first four years of life.  She is very typical is lots of ways which brings a smile to my face -- but also filled with compassion many adults have yet to master, which brings a huge smile to my heart.

Our family has transformed over this past year and now we are excited beyond words to once again change and being our life as a family of six. This adoption process with Jayden has been nothing short of divinely planned and orchestrated by God.  Even people who choose not to see God in this process still can not deny how things has just fallen in our favor.  I'm excited to take on this new year -- to deify the odds and claim healing and blessing over my children's lives. 

Adam had mentioned on his own blog a few weeks ago how in each of our children's rooms we have the phrase "You have always been loved; You have always been wanted" on their walls.  This year, my mommie heart and soul aches for my children to know and understand the power and truth of this statement.  We want both Madison and our adopted children to know that we truly longed for them before they even existed.  And for Angela and Jayden who endured the unthinkable -- even during the time when they were labeled unwanted -- we wanted them so bad and fought long and hard to claim them as our own.

Adoption is amazing for so many reasons, but the most powerful thing is that adoption is what we as Christians are all about. Not one of us deserves the grace and love that God pours out on us, but yet he chose to give us all second chances -- a new name -- a new life.  How crazy is it that we get to do the same for these beautiful children.  So cool.

We are seriously gonna rock this year.  I can't wait for the first time we all get to take our first trip out into public -- Adam and I as crazy proud parents ready to show off our beautiful kids -- but more than that -- I'm so excited to show off the amazing story and new chapter of restoration and hope God has written through our family.  

{Redefining Home}

Home is a powerful thing and this past week I've really been hashing out in my own mind what exactly home is.  Since our desire to bring Jayden home is so strong, this idea of home has been running through my mind on a several times daily basis.  The other day when driving to see Jayden I had this vivid memory of a time during the last few day's of Gavin life. 

After we removed life support from Gavin and he didn't die, as everyone expected -- we experienced some intense times with our little boy.  Even though he was breathing on his own, he was not breathing correctly and his lungs slowly filled with fluid.  As time went on, despite our best attempts to keep him comfortable he would wake up with air hunger, in a panicked state trying to breath.  He was very delirious due to the his rising CO2 levels and also the pain medication.  The only thing that would get him to relax was when I whispered in his ear, "mommie's going to take you home."  In the back of my mind I knew very well that he wasn't going to make it home, but I knew that the very essence of what home meant would bring him some sense of peace.

Even though Gavin had a physical home, his and our families life was lived in turmoil -- home was often in the hospital.  I then started to think about Jayden.  Just because he is not in a physical home doesn't mean that we can't create the sense of home for him.  After all home is so much more than a physical building -- it's peace, security and most of all an intense forever love that nothing could possibly replace or mimic.

The change that we have seen in Jayden over this past month has been pretty darn cool, even the nursing staff notice the marked difference in him.  When we first started visitation last month Jayden was all over the place -- almost crawling out of his skin at times.  He just has trouble finding peace in his own mind, which is a part of his brain injury.  Well this past week we have had numerous moments with Jayden where he will just lay in our arms -- settle in as if the he is feeling true love for the first time ever in his life.  He's still all over the pace as most two year olds are but I can't help but think that his little mind is beginning to catch a glimpse of what home is all about.

Christmas is a bit extra difficult this year.  Not only do we not have Gavin here with us but we also have another beautiful little boy who has yet to come home.  So I find myself going back to this redefinition of home -- taking out the physical meaning of all being together in one house and allowing God to show Adam and I the supernatural connections true love creates -- allowing us all to be together, some in spirit, some through legacy and others through physical touch.

{Preparing to Bring Him Home}

I'm not so sure life could get any crazier right now.  Our training with Jayden is in full force and between training and visitation every spare moment of our time is filled with preparing to bring him home. Adam and I are feeling really good about our training so far.  The trach doesn't seem much more than any other other the ICU level care we have given both Gavin and Angela in the past.  As I keep telling everyone -- we are cautiously confident.  Obviously, it is airway and even the most skilled individual should always be prepared for the unexpected.  The facility requires us to do a total of twelve trach changes -- three assisted and three emergency, and we each need to do this.  I've had so many trach families tell me this is nuts -- we kinda agree, but we do what ever they ask with the understanding that we are not the typical family they train and some people may need that many and more to feel comfortable.

Our daily mantra is: every day is one day closer to bringing him home.  I'm sure I'll be saying this until I hate every syllable in that statement.  We love this little boy so very much and as each day goes by it is harder and harder to leave him.  The staff really do the best they can with the kids but it still is a sad situation and we can't help but be anything other than eager to get him home.  I've had so many people ask exactly when this will happen -- we don't know.  We are hoping for January but it's just not in our hands.  But as always we are trusting that God's timing is perfect.  He has yet to fail us so no need to stress, right?

The girls are doing amazing with this crazy time.  Madsion is just as much in love with Jayden as we are.  She has his photo next to her bed and he is frequently the topic of conversation.  Adam and I have always been very aware of how living with siblings with special needs impacts Madison and her world.  We would never want her to feel like she is second best -- like we never have time for her needs, big or small.  Adam and I both make it a priority to give Madison the time and attention she needs and deserves.  Last week we had a Mommie and Madi date night and we went out to the movies and dinner.  It was so nice to spend one on one time with Madison despite just now tired this mommie is right now.  Adam and I plan on giving Madison one night per week with just either Adam or Myself -- so important for all kids, but particularly those who have siblings with such high needs.

There are photos that we took of the girls one day after visiting Jayden.  I of course can't wait till I can show you just how handsome our new little man is but you all know the drill.  I hope to be able to show a few faceless photos once we bring him home.  For now just take my word -- he is one handsome lookin' little dude.