{First Day of School}

The day has come and gone -- Madison's first day of Kindergarten.  It's kinda crazy where I am mentally and emotionally at the end of this monumental day.  I am so proud of my little girl.  I looked at her this morning and I saw a beautiful little lady -- perfect in every way, even in her imperfection.  I saw my baby who not so long ago I held in my arms -- fitting perfectly in the bend of my arm.  She has grown in so many ways.

Grief is a crazy thing.  It seems to sneak up at the most unexpected time.  As we prepared Madison for her first day of school I couldn't help but be constantly reminded that we were supposed to be doing this as a family of four.  I know Gavin was totally watching her get on that big yellow bus and probably -- most likely,  totally freakin' out and kicking his skinny little legs with excitment up in heaven!

I have lots of wonders about this upcoming school year. This is just a weird place in the journey of parenthood.  Today was the first day that I was not in complete control of my child's life.  Giving up control is a difficult thing for this type A Mommie.  As scary as it is -- I guess amazing freedom can be found in giving up a little control -- pushing her a little further out of the nest and trusting that God will give her a safe landing and show her the most spectacular view on the way to her destination.

Ok -- here we go.  One day down, Oh so many more to go!

Our Little Vacation...

Last week was a whirlwind -- actually, every last week of the month is a whirlwind.  The week was filled with so many fun and good things but it's just tough that they all fall on the last week on the month.  Despite the crazy week we decided to take a little impromptu trip to the beach!

Anyone who has followed our families story would know that every summer the beach normally becomes our sanctuary for peace -- away from duPont and really just spending time as a family away from chaos.  This year, since Gavin's death I have kinda been dreading going back.  After Gavin died I didn't really struggle with going certain places and being flooded with the memories associated with those places.  In fact the one place I thought would be the most difficult, the place where Gavin's actually took his last breath, proves to be one of the most comforting! 

Ocean City, New Jersey, however, is a little different. I'm not sure exactly what it is about that specific place -- I'm thinking it has to do with that feeling of being in a mindset that was illness free, hospital free, death free -- it was really a safe place.  On most every vacation to the beach Gavin was just discharged the day before, or we even left right from the hospital on many occasions to head down straight to the beach house.   Even though those vacations were very difficult logistically with all of Gavin's intense medical needs -- we proudly made it work.  I have so many amazing memories of my little boy on that beach, digging in the sand and pushing his chair on the boardwalk.  

For some reason it's just a sacred spot in my mind.  I wasn't ready to make new memories there just yet.  

So we found a new beach to go to!

We headed out to Wildwood, New Jersey, and despite it's reputation for being a little bit, uh...wilder -- it was so freakin' cool!  Madi had a blast as there were so many rides -- three piers worth!  It felt so special to be making new memories -- just the three of us, redefining what we are as a family, while holding the memories of our past life so deep and close.

Madi was a crazy girl on both the beach and boardwalk -- no fear!  She is at a great age where mommie and daddy can not only have fun watching her do things but she can actually so the same stuff we want to do -- and more!

Finding a Smile...

There are so many times in our lives where we just have to step back and wonder what the heck is going on.  Sometimes life just seems to throw one curve ball after another -- and sometimes life just stinks.  This past week, life in the Owens' house has really been stinky -- literally.  

This past week we had some major issues with our septic system.  Unfortunately we live just a few miles outside of town -- away from those lucky people who can flush the potty and let the city take care of the rest.  We are in charge of our own crap -- and when the system fails, it really stinks.

Ok --  there are just so many funny jokes I could make, but I'll try to stick to my point.

In addition to the septic system failing, this week we also got one speeding ticket and also just recently had to replace all four tires on our car and fix some other major issue just for our vehicle to pass inspection.  Ugh.  Sometimes it all just seems so unfair.

But in all reality, it's just life.  It's just stuff that needs to be fixed.  It's really all no big deal.

During our poop crisis I had left the house to go to work at the church and I just had this feeling of total peace.  It's the very same peace that Adam and I often try to recount in the death of Gavin and during the intense suffering his 3 1/2 years brought.  It was in the midst of crisis after crisis, feeling like there was no time to even take one breath between the next blow that we learned to simply smile.

I written often about finding joy and sorrow -- peace in suffering.  I've heard from so many families wondering just how we do that -- the pain is so deep how can you possibly find joy?  The fear of life is suffocating -- how in the world can peace be found?

It's really so simple.  It's all a matter of a little choice.  The fear, the hurt, the anger -- it's all so normal and natural.  It's a matter of just setting it all aside, taking a deep breath and finding a smile.  You don't always need to have something to smile about -- I always believe that it I take the simple step to let go and find a little joy God will give me something to hold on to.  Choosing to believe that God directs our life path takes a whole heck of a lot of pressure off of us as incredibly flawed humans.

We may be a much less wealthy than we were just one week ago, but in reality nothing has changed.  

Another crisis over.

Another deep breath taken.

Another smile found.

{Never Lose Hope 5K}

Our wonder family and friends have organized this amazing day to help honor and celebrate our little boy and the amazing legacy of Hope he left behind.  On September 25th the Never Lose Hope 5K will debut and we are all super excited to get you involved!

There are so many ways you can help make this race a huge success.  This first is coming out and showing off your crazy cool running skills -- or not so cool running skills.  Your choice.  Don't feel like you need to be a racer to join us.  So many people of all levels will be joining us for the race.  But if you happen to run -- for real, there are prizes for the top finishers and we have a great company providing the timing and helping to make this a quality 5K race. We are also in great need of race sponsors.  This is a great way for people who may not be local, but are still wanting to join us.  And of course we need lots of people to just come out a help with all the little jobs that need to be done.

You can find out all the details about the race at www.neverlosehope5k.com.  You can also print registration and sponsorship forms as well as pay for your registration fee or sponsorship donation right from the site.  If you would like to help in anyway, please visit the race site and click on the volunteer button and let us know you want to help!

Thanks to everyone who is working hard to make this race happen!

{Blending In}

This past weekend the Owens' Family ventured out to the Goshenhoppen Festival.  Don't ask how you pronounce it or what in the world it means -- it's a festival.  I determined a few things this past weekend.  The first is that I'm not sure we are much of a festival type family, particularly a heritage festival.  To be very honest I can't tell the difference between the 1950's and 1900's, let alone the 1800's.  Did people even live in America in the 1800's?  Joking... kinda.

Anyway.  The people did an amazing job at putting the festival together but I think we need to wait until Madison actually learns about this stuff in school so Daddy and I can have a refresher course and we will better understand what these people were trying to teach us.

The highlights of the festival were that Madison got to walk on stilts -- in her brand new Twinkle Toes, and we ate huge slices of juicy watermelon, which I happen to love.

The other thing that I happened to notice is that we blend in.  Blending in is such a foreign concept for our family.  Little Gavin would draw tons of attention -- there was no just running out of the house with no makeup on hoping that you wouldn't see anyone -- everyone would see me.   

Right after Gavin died I longed to be seen.  I would walk into a store and want to hold a giant sign telling everyone that I have an amazing son who despite his death is just as present as ever.  As time has gone by, even though I miss my little boy terribly every single day, it feels like he is just as alive as he was when he was living on this earth.  I feel his legacy every second of the day.  Gavin along with Madison and Adam make up the very essence of my being.  I no longer feel the need to shout that my little boy is gone, but rather find myself walking proudly knowing that he is still making a difference in this world.