There are so many things that I am fearing today. In an effort to get them off my chest I'd figure I'd tell you all about them...
One is that Gavin will never "wake up." For those who do not know, ever since Gavin's surgery to remove his large and small intestine as well as his gallbladder, he has not been the same. He is in a sleepy, floppy and withdrawn state for much of the day. Today was particularly bad -- he slept for 24 hours -- and he is still asleep. At this point we are naming the Mito as the culprit -- his body's energy stores are completly depleted leaving him totally drained.
I fear Gavin will never pee again on his own, forcing me his mother to invade his last area not taken over by tubes. I hate that I know that in four hours I'm going to cause Gavin pain -- breaks my heart. I'm mad that we can't leave the foley cath in due to his high infection risk.
I fear that the surgery was unsuccessful. This fear has no basis as cultures are still negative. The only way we could say that the surgery did not work is if Gavin starts to have cycles of sepsis due to bowel bugs, which he has been clear of for over a month now.
I fear that I will not be able to keep this up -- I'm getting tired and there are days I pray for a "new job."
With all these fears -- somehow I'm still looking to the One who conquers all fear. Although my words sound lost at times, deep in my heart I know we have not been forgotten, and though we may feel this life sucks, Adam and I both trust that there is a greater purpose in all of this chaos.
As for Gavin -- He is a swollen little boy. His eyes, from which I can tell, are almost totally swollen shut. His counts have all drastically dropped and he received some albumin this morning in an effort to pull the fulid out of his tissues and back into his vessels. We are running lasix now and I convinced them to place a foley for a few hours to let his pee drain freely. Ever since the antibiotics began Gavin's fever broke. What caused the fever and the drop in blood counts?
We don't know.