More time -- that's all I really want right now. We have been talking about Gavin's death before he was even born, yet nothing could have prepared me what these next few days or weeks will hold. I find myself in disbelief as I hear the words come out of the doctor's mouth. I just want more time.
I want so badly to bring him home into the house that so many people have worked so hard to make happen -- but I just don't know if it will happen. The doctors believe he does not have much longer. I believe he is going to come home, but as I sit hear and listen to the alarms going off telling me that the bipap is breathing for him I start to question. My heart feels that if we can just get him home -- give him something to fight for, he will turn around. I would be happy with just another week. I want his Doctor there. I want to make sure the photographer is there. I want my family there. I want it all to be prefect and planned.
Death is anything but planned.
The difficult part of this process is that Adam and I's decisions determine how long we have. He is suffering. In order to relieve that suffering we want to give him the medication he needs to find peace and relief. More more meds we push, the more difficult it is for him to breath. Although lots of fluid was pulled off him over the past two days his lungs have not improved, but rather have gotten worse.
I just want more time.