Grief is a crazy thing. I find that I can keep it together most of the time. When I think about Gavin it's usually just noticing he is not here. For example, it feels so weird when we leave the house -- no wheelchair to lug out the door, no tanks of oxygen to load and no gathering of iv supplies and bags. We just simply leave, which is a new concept our family has never experienced before.
Then there are the times where the longing to smell and touch my little boy is so strong it could bring me to my knees. My desire to feel his little heart beat consumes my mind. The pain can run so deep. It comes without warning and can sometimes leave just as fast or it could linger longer than I physically feel capable of bearing.
Another crazy thing about grief is that it often hangs out like the big elephant in the room that everyone is staring at, in fact they can't get their minds off it but I guess it is easier to ignore than talk about.
I want to talk about the huge ugly elephant -- because to me it is beautiful, it's real and it will forever be apart of my life. There are times I just want to scream in the middle of the mall, "do you realize the amazing little boy I had for 3 1/2 years -- do you know he changed the world." You see talking about my little boy -- his life and death, is my only way to show that his story is very much alive and well. I don't have a little boy running around to remind the world of his existence.
So often people see death as an untouchable topic. Death is often a beautiful story -- how more amazing can it get for a person to find total healing and be in the arms of God. Adam and I are learning so much through our little girl. She is teaching us that death is very ok -- no need to sugar coat is with toppings like passed away, moving on, going to the golden gates of Heaven. She reminds us daily that Gavin is "dead" -- and our response is, "yes he is." She keeps it real.
Of course there is so much pain we feel but by keeping things real that huge elephant becomes approachable and just one of us -- part of our family.
36 comments:
I'll bet you a million bucks that you just helped a lot of people by writing this tonight. People who have lost a child...and people who need to know how to support someone who has. Wait - scratch that - I don't have a million bucks and this is a pretty sure bet. Can I just say instead that this is the best entry I've read in some time? So real.
xoxoxo to you. Can't wait to see you.
Our stories may be so different. The time we each had with our boys is so different. But those feelings of grief and wanting to shout out to the world... are very much the same. Thank you for sharing! Jessica
Karen, your words touch everyone..even those who have not lost a child. I feel your words healing others who have yet to read them. I truly feel that your words will be in print one day to help others who are waiting for the that "big elephant" to appear. With all my love, Aunt Carol
Karen,
Thank you so much for keeping it real. I too have imagined screaming in the mall or stopping the stranger I see laughing with their child and sharing the joy that filled my life for so many years. As much as I have tried to carry on in honor of my sweet ^TYRA^ I have envied cultures who wear their mourning (shrouded in black)for then people would have to acknowledge the elephant in the room that I sometimes feel is sitting on my chest.
Peace & Love
Nicole
Very well said-
regarding my boys having a fatal premature aging disorder. My family says that people don't know what to say so they don't say anything....they don't want to say something wrong. I so appreciate when people take the risk and say something, even if it is the "wrong" thing. Just say something and acknowledge that we are going through something tremendously difficult!
Wondering if you ever heard of the book, Elephant in the Playroom.
Wow, your post hit me in a good way though. 8 months ago, my best friend went missing at the age of 18. He was later found in the Mississippi River...sooooo sad. It was a month of hell of wondering if they would ever find his body. We still don't know what happened to him, but we do know that he did not fall into that river.
I HATE how everyone, even some of his good friends tip-toe around the subject. Dan may be gone and dead, but his memories are ALWAYS here. So let's talk about it...all of it!
continued...
In fact, my friend made a huge impact on a lot of people too in his shortened life. He accomplished more than most people do in their whole lives.
Sometimes when I walk around at school or someplace where Dan was not know, I too want to yell, "My best friend died...." and say what happened etc. and all the good things about him.
My prayers are with you....and I think about you guys a lot.
love, britta
Your post just made it a little easier for me to be able to talk to my friends that have lost a child.
It's an amazing thing how not only has Gavin made a a tremendous impact on this world....but his parents are making a tremendous impact also!!!
Blessings,
Katrina
I can't imagine the emotions that are running through your head. I do have a special needs 20 mos. and my 3 year old keeps it real for us. One night his trach came out and we couldn't get it back in. 3 year old calmly told him to calm down so mama and daddy can fix it. She told him he needed to breath because she didn't like him being blue. They are honest and compassionate. They help heal us adults too!
Here's to keeping it real! His story does live on so please keep shouting. Every time I read your blog I squeeze my little ones tighter. I praise God a little more loudly. Thanking Him for your words.
Death and beauty who would have put those two together? Thank you for sharing this truth with us.
Happy Christmas dear one.
Karen, I don't know I cam across your blog from a friend of mine and I have been checking it ever since. I want you to know that I have been inspired by all your blogs that I have read. I continue to keep your family in my prayers. I know I am just rambling here, but I hope that you get the point that your son was and is very important, and will be missed.
I only started reading your blog on friday after seeing your families story in the reading eagle. Your family and sweet son have been on my mind ever since.
This post is right on. It is so difficult to talk about death and yet talking is what most of us need to do and have someone to hear it.
I have volunteered at a childrens breavment camp called camp dragon fly a few years ago and am amazed how real and honest children can keep death. They reminded me that is ok and welcomed to talk about those that have died and how they died.
Thank you so much for sharing your life and being such a great mom to Gavin and Madison.
Continuing to pray for your family.
Although we have never met, I continue to stop by often. I love to come and look back at Gavin's life and to remember his beautiful smile and spirit. Just thought I would let you know...
Karen
I've been following your blog for a long time, our son got really ill and I lost touch with some of my favorite blogs, when I logged on to yours and saw how sick sweet Gavin was, it was heartbreaking.
Please know that your family is never far from my thoughts...and Gavin will always be in mind..
Warmly
Kate
Death IS a huge elephant. I haven't lost a child, but when my dad died, I wanted to still talk about him and people wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong. I remember vividly going to the store and seeing people doing their thing and feeling like, "This is SO WRONG!!! How can they be laughing and having fun when my life feels like it's ended?" It was a very surreal experience.
I would love to hear you tell stories about Gavin. I've been following your blog for over a year and I will continue to follow you. Please talk about your little boy and share more stories about his life. I know I am not the only person who would listen attentively.
(((hugs))) and many prayers.
For almost six months I have been following over 100 baby lost mothers with my For Your Tears
ministry. This is the most talked about subject. The fact that people do not talk to them about it. You need to talk, that is part of the process. I personally don't understand why people who have not lost a child can't find a way to put themselves in your shoes. It is there own fear, like if they talk about it it will happen to them. Like you are contagious. It really gets me angry. I have written to people higher up in the new industry trying to get recognition for all the mothers who have lost children.
It seems to be swept under the carpet and I believe the world need a huge lesson in communication. I am so sorry for your loss and the journey you must now walk. My prayers are with you.
Karen, I just finished reading your post and needed you to know that I check back on your blog daily because I, a stranger, want to continue to hear about Gavin. I want to continue to hear your story and keep the images of your sweet boy alive. I am so overwhelmed by the magnitude of your faith and your courage in the face of such horrific pain. Courage that comes from believing in a kind and loving God.
I will continue to read about Gavin's story as long as you are willing to write it. I continue to share this site with those I love so they too can be touched by this remarkable boy and his family.
God bless,
Jen
Absolutely! I just had a conversation with a small group of people about this same thing...you can ask me questions that bring tears to your eyes because my kids are dead, but I refuse to ignore them or their impact on our world. I know my eyes light up when I talk about Avery & Nolan & yes, sometimes too I want to scream & tell the world about them. Oh, this darn exclusive club. I am always with you loving that Gavin & missing him too.
You are so wise. I spent yesterday, what would have been my parents' 34th anniversary with my whole family and no one had the guts to talk about it. Mom died earlier this year after a long debilitating battle and we don't know what to do with our unpredictable emotions. My 4 year old, who bursts in to tears seemingly at random or states very plainly that Grandma is gone seems to handle things the best.
I'm sure Mom has hugs for Gavin. Now that they are both healed they can play together.
My second born daughter died on 27 October and on my blog I posted pictures of my husband and I standing at her casket. I got ONE response where I normally get at least 3-4. It hurts me when I post about my daughter and no one responds. Just like you said, the elephant in the room. And I am so terrified that as time progresses people will feel it less appropriate to talk about my sweet baby June. I too check in here to hear more about your sweet Gavin and about you and your grief. Know that you are helping me with your posts about Gavin!
Molly
I can't even imagine the emotions you feel. So glad that your little girl is coping well and keeping things in perspective. I wish you joy.
You seem very healthy to me, incorporating the elephant into your life.
Barbara
I too am a stranger that continues to read your blog daily,because I want to continue to hear about Gavins story and your family. Your little one did make a huge impact on the world, and I will never forget him. I do not know the pain of losing a child, but I do feel the heartache in your words. Because of Gavin I praise god more, I hold my children tighter, and I think of you a mom who lost her baby boy and continues to talk about him everyday.And for that I thank you, because if you we the strangers who never met Gavin, but came to love him through his blog would not be able to continue to remember him and his wonderful family. God bless you for your strength and may he continue to hold you up when you miss having your baby boy.
Thinking of you.Sending you love an talking about Gavin her in our house often.We all fell in love with him and miss him.not the way you do but we miss him, for you, desperately.
Posted about your campaign tonight.hope your PO Box is overflowing!
I am a mom who lost a child too. Your post is oh so true! The elephant does get a little smaller as time goes on. I think it is because things are not so "fresh". But the baby elephant continues and some are still afraid to mention my angel and he died over 3 years ago. I hope you are finding some baby legs in your mailbox in his memory :) I think several of my family members are remembering Colin this Christmas through your amazing Gavin! Thank you for sharing your grief process openly because I know it is helping others who have gone through something similar or who are currently going through your similar situation.
Take care of yourself!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It definitely is helping me. A close friend of mine is in the hospital now saying goodbye to her 11 year old who is losing his battle with Lymphoma. They are removing him from life support and now just waiting. Your story has helped me know how I can pray for them and reminded me that I don't need to be afraid of saying the wrong thing. I think I'll recommend your blog to her - I think it would be helpful to her to have your insight. Thanks again for sharing.
Please please keep telling Gavin's story. New or old, it doesn't matter to me. I'm yet another stranger that can't get enough. You are incredible and you have an incredible story yet to tell. I don't get to comment often but I'm always listening!
My mom passed away in November of 1995. She left the house on Thanksgiving day and did not return. She passed early Sunday morning. For a few years she suffered from the affects of the HIV virus which she received from a blood transfusion almost 10 years prior to becoming sick. Needless to say, it was a hard time and although our experiences are different, they are somewhat the same. My prayer to the Lord the final night I saw her was simply this, "you either heal her or take her home, enough is enough!!". A few hours later she passed on.
My name is Jamie Zirkle and am the husband of Sarah Zirkle. She attended a Bible study with you at Morningstar not so long ago. We have a three year old son, Ethan. After reading and following your blogs I have made it a point to enjoy each and every minute that I have with him and my family. Thank you for sharing the life of Gavin and the grief of your family.
I can't say I know what you are feeling but I am praying for you! Thank you for your beautiful post.
Stephanie in CO
You continue to amaze me. I sure hope I can be as strong as you. You are correct we do need to continue to talk about your little Gavin. That will keep him alive in our mionds. We never weant to forget that little boy. He can hear us he can feel us. He just is not here for us to touch. Stay strong and Happy Holiday to you and your family...
We miss you Gavin...
JUloie from Wi..
WOW Karen!!! I am so glad you wrote this post. I thought I was the only one that had those experiences. When my dad died, a few years ago when i was in highschool, I would sometimes just burst out into tears and then just like that be better. I had lost all my friends because they didnt think I should be upset about it anymore when they just didn't understand I couldnt help it. I appreciate you for making me feel more "normal" about grief.
Karen,
You don't know me. In fact as I look at a lot of these replies, you probably don't know a lot of these people. But, you sure are touching them. Or, God is touching them through you. Death stinks, period! There is nothing, on this side of death, that is good. We can talk about Gavin being safe in the arms of Jesus and free from pain, and these things are more true than we can even comprehend, but it still hurts those that are left here. We won't know the entire story until we are all together with Jesus in His kingdom. But, until then, He gives us grace and mercy. The kind that surpass all understanding. Probably a kind of grace and mercy that you will understand, when many of us will not. Simply because we haven't had the same experience or need. Even Jesus wept at the death of a friend, and that was someone that he was about to raise from the dead. I think His tears weren't necessarily for the pain of Lazerus dying, but more for the pain of knowing the type of suffering that you would go through and people like you. We serve a Savior that knows exactly how we feel. I love you and your family and I look so forward to meeting you in eternity, with Gavin. But, until then I and my family will continue to pray for you and yours. For God's peace and for the knowledge that the death of Gavin has touched thousands and thousands of people. God bless you!
Johnny Smith
Clarksville, TN
I have lost many people in my life, one of them was my father. I lost him when I was almost 13. We didn't talk very often about him except at special events (scholarships in his honor, a church room named after him, awards, etc). I now wish we had. It makes me so proud when I still meet people 20 years after his death who knew him and remembered him well. I have started talking to my 2 year old about her Pop Pop, her namesake actualy. Talking about death and about the person who died is so important. Keep Gavin's story alive and keep his meaning known. 30 years from now make people know who he was and how very important he was to this world in his short life. Death is unfortunately common and I think that we need to relax with talking about it.
I wish you continued healing, some days are better then others.
I will never get tired of hearing Gavin's story and seeing his pictures. He is still very much alive in all of our hearts. He is such a precious, special little boy and he had so many fans!! Thank you for sharing with us.
Hugs
I did not know Gavin very long, actually just the one day he received his Amtryke. BUT his death has left a big gap in my heart. He gave us all a challenge - not to give up and to keep on trying.
Adam, Karen and Madison you are in my thoughts and my heart for ever.
God Bless you
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