It's over. We made it through our first Christmas without our little Gavin by our side. In all honesty it wasn't as bad as what I had thought it would be -- we actually managed to find special ways to remember our little boy in all the craziness of the holiday. Adam and I had a talk in the car on the way home from Christmas Eve service. We talked about what we thought it would be like if Gavin was still here and spending this Christmas with us here on Earth. Our first though was that we probably would have been in the hospital. Then we started thinking that Gavi probably would not have been cognitively in tack, so there would be no smiles and no opening of presents. We figured he probably would have been on a ventilator, if they even allowed us to be home, which means that Adam and I would have been so stressed out and not sleeping at all. Would we really have had a Christmas as all? -- probably not.
Gavin death will forever leave a huge scar on my heart, but during this Christmas holiday I started to recognize all the gifts he left behind for us -- his family. He gave us freedom, freedom to smile and laugh and to spend time with Madison. He gave us a deep longing to live life to its fullest potential, making memories out of what most would find to be trivial. He gave us the ability to love and to feel the deepest of love which really can only be felt after death -- when the longing to hold my baby goes deep to my core.
We spent some time at Gavin's grave on Christmas Eve -- it was an amazing time of just being still and recognizing the life that was once our little boy's. Madison sang and we all tried to hold it together while she sang, questioning "why God did you take my brother.." -- so sad to hear yet so healing for my little girl to put in words the questions she has in her mind. My mother had the idea for our family to release balloons on Christmas day -- we all watched the balloons float to the sky and yelled..
Merry Christmas Gavin!