I had originally wrote this post a few days ago and at the time decided not to post it because I felt like the moment had past. As I went back through my posts tonight I saw this and felt like I needed to share it. I want this website to be a place of honesty. I want to be able to lay my life out for you all to see -- for people to understand what it is like raising a medially fragile child and walking not only through our journey with Gavin here with us but also showing you the raw emotion that comes after death. I can only pray someone finds hope and healing by following our journey. A few days ago I wrote these words:
Sometimes it is just so hard. I miss my little boy much. Today we went out and took family photos and I can't help but wish his little smile and cool green wheelchair was in those photos. The pain is so real -- and it hurts so bad. At times it can feel like a knife piercing my heart and taking away the very breath I breathe. The pain hurts, but in a way it feels so good. The pain at times draws me near to my little boy -- it helps me to remember the deep love I have for him.
Tonight Madison had practice at church for the kids Christmas performance on Sunday. As I watched the little three year olds I couldn't help but want to see my little boy up there. I felt my emotions starting to flood and now I sit here just thinking -- thinking how this just stinks. I can make my mind realize that my baby is no longer suffering but it doesn't satisfy my intense desire to see my little boy again.
There are times where I just want to go back to the past hold him a little tighter and look into his eyes. Little deeper.
Sigh.
Sometimes it's just so hard.
Sometimes this journey is so hard it can seem to stomp you so far down it's hard to even get out of bed. Then there are the times where if you look really hard there is so much hope and joy to be seen through the dense fog.
Are you looking?
24 comments:
I love the new look and the new photos. So beautiful. You are a rock star both as a mother, wife and sister in Christ.....and as well as a photographer and web designer. Do you only do it for hobby hoping to take it further? Or did you actually do school for this stuff and this is what you soon will be doing as a career now that you will have some time?
Happy Blessed Holidays.....
Merry Christmas sweet Gavin.... you get to celebrate Jesus's birthday WITH HIM.... looking deep in His eyes. Oh how we envy you ...... but much you are so missed by many here.
This site is ALWAYS a place of hope,no matter what words you speak and what way you speak them.
Thinking of you all and wishing you peace as you are missing precious Gavin.
Love the new look.Makes me sad.But looks very cool,very you and still speaks loudly the life of Gavin.
so beautifully said and true!i lost my three year old daughter and am friends with the Heintzes,so i could relate with Ally just as i do for Gavin even though i never met him.the "sting" will lessen over time but i do remember just wanting to FEEL it.you sum up perfectly the pain of losing a child although it's each unique to ourselves. take care
I agree with what was said - the pain does lessen, to a degree. But the missing and wanting - not so much. Well spoken, Wishing you and your family peace.
Your new blog look is amazing! It fits your life perfectly. {new color being added...and other colors never being forgotten}
I just love it!
{{{HUG}}} save that for one of those times when you need it & are missing Gavin like crazy!
Love from Pooh's Corner!
I really like the new look. I am glad you feel you can be honest here on the blog. I noticed the comments have slowed down some and even me, just 'driving by' and reading without a comment. I hope you know that I think about your family each day. Thank you for being honest. Your testimony of Christ is so clear even in the times of deep sorrow and pain. I haven't mailed the Baby Legs yet. I don't have a post office close. I will try and do it tomorrow. Have a blessed Christmas.
I love the new look. Hope you guys celebrate the holidays in a new old normal way. Will be thinking about you. Lots of hugs and love. gwen
I am looking. I can finally see through the fog.
I lost my best friend in a way that no one should EVER lose someone...my best friend was taken away by a stranger and killed and put into a river to make it look like it was an accident.
Months back, I had no hope. It has been 8.5 months since Dan disappeared. He was found a month later.
I too, had days where I thought the world was falling out from underneath me. Lately, I have finally started to see some hope again in life. Still at times I just want to talk to Dan and hold his hand. Just to touch him and hear him would be the best Christmas present ever. Sometimes I feel like I should wake up from this nightmare, but then I remember this is all too real. Death sucks. Grief sucks. But I think we all need to rely on those we have...even if they are people we only know through the internet. We just need to remember to live one day at a time...and that Gavin and Dan are in Heaven without their diseases, without pain, and are happy and healthy again.
I love you guys...and I love how honest you are about death. I am trying to be honest too, because I think not enough people are living in the now, and we are here to show them that this is very real.
Karen...your words are Always spoken with Truth.
I feel your pain and am still looking through some fog.
But I am looking!!!
Wishing you ALL a Happy Holiday and you are Always in our heart, thoughts and Prayers.
^Gavin^ Merry CHRISTmas...we love you.
I know ^Ally^ is holding your hand and having fun with you.
Much Love to All :)
Karen...you will never ever forget Gavin. He is your son. Your thoughts of him will actually give you strength when you don't think you have any. Undoubtedly there will be days you will want to curl up and cry, and that's okay. Do it. Do whatever you need to do, to make the next day more bearable.
In time you will find the strength to be the support for other moms with ill children, but for now, take care of you.
As Sheri said, just because we aren't commenting as much, doesn't mean we all aren't thinking of you all. I think you would be shocked at how many of us think of you very often.
I'm so glad you are honest. It is so helpful to many of us who are dealing with similar or much different grieving. I continue to be amazed at how different those days can feel, one day hopeful and bright, the next dark and grim. I can never tell what kind of day is it going to be.
BTW, I took a picture of my son in his hat after he came in from the snow. I have been so inspired by your photography and thought for sure it would turn out like one of your photos.......not so much! oh well. I guess that is why they call it a gift and I apparently don't have it.
Karen, I am glad that you feel that you can be so honest with us. It is ok to let us know that you have both good days and bad. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
I continue to think of your family and Gavin daily. I try to remember that Gavin is no longer pain and he is having a great time playing in heaven. Look to him for strength during the darkest days.
Happy Holidays!
Merry Christmas Gavin!
I am so sorry, I know your heart is so heavy with sorrow. Please know that I care. ((HUGS))
Your truth and honesty are a great thing to read. I didn't loose a child, but still feel the loss of my dad. Even though I know he is hanging out with Jesus instead of me, I have great comfort in knowing that I'll see him again. Yours and Adams words are inspiring and touch my heart even when you are sad. Thank you for your honesty and your beautiful words of truth.
as a mommy of a 3 year old that was on that stage...we miss Gavin too. As a friend, I am so sorry for your pain.
As mother--- i can't even imagine.
As far as your honesty--- i was bracing myself for way worse.... like " I wanted to go up to all the moms of the 3 year olds and smack them-- and say stop worrying about whether they are doing the motions or singing-- just be grateful that you have them here!" Because we need that reminder...and bc of Gavin-- i hug my kids tighter and even when Cole gets up almost EVERY night and i am tempted to be so mad...I think of Gavi and I am glad to have that one on one time with him.
hope all this made sense.
Karen,
Consider Hope & Healing found. Thanks to you & this post I have given myself permission to share my grief. This journey is so hard & it really does stink to not have our ^Angels^ here. For whatever reason, I thought to express the pain would take away from HER JOY. In reality, the pain is in fact an acknowledgementof all the JOY & LOVE they brought to our lives.
I look forward to thanking you in person some day.
PEACE & LOVE
Nicole
Thank you for sharing your honesty and raw emotion. I love the new look of your blog. I think of your family often as my son wears his baby legs... you are inspiration to me! I will say a special prayer for you guys this year during the holidays. I know Gavin is watching down and so proud of you guys.
Karen,
I have wanted to comment on here for so long. I have a few mutual friends and have followed your long journey. You have moved me beyond words today. I truly treasure each one of the gifts that God has given my husband and I. They are my light and my life. The pain you feel has got to be unimaginable. But to be able to still see through that "fog" is the strength that God gives you. There are times when we all need to remember that. Today you have reminded me. Thank you. Thank you for being you, sharing your journey and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your strength. I admire you deeply.
~Becky
Karen love the new look also.Your strength continues to inspire me its not easy to write what we are feeling sometimes especially when losing a child.My sister lost her newborn 19 yrs ago and till this day I know she misses my nephew and wakes up with him in her heart never talks about him.Thank you for your words that can be shared with her when she feels alone.
your blog looks awesome.
and yeah, the grief is just so overwhelming at times.....i cannot imagine how at times you find the ability to get up out of bed some days.
in any event, thinking of you all as you celebrate christmas without sweet gavi with you.
wishing you peace and love.
Gavin, have fun celebrating christmas with Jesus this year. We will all watch over your family here. They are all SO Proud of you and what you have taught the world. You sure where lucky to have them as mom and dad. They sound like the best..... Happy Holiday Owens family... Continue to keep the faith.
Love Julie from WI
The photo's are just so beautiful!
I am looking. Thanks to you and your family. Looking at my blessings and remembering we all have trials and there will always be someone with a bigger challenge than I have been given. Thanks to you for sharing your pain and hope and trust.
I haven't stopped by for a few days. I love what you've done with the blog. Blessings to you.
safe in the arms of Jesus.
I love those words.
And in the days that are ahead, when Jesus returns, when, in the twinkling of an eye when every tear is wiped away and the new heavens and the new earth come to pass, you WILL see Gavin again.
I just feel sure of that!We will see those we love in the heavenly kingdom.
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