I had originally wrote this post a few days ago and at the time decided not to post it because I felt like the moment had past. As I went back through my posts tonight I saw this and felt like I needed to share it. I want this website to be a place of honesty. I want to be able to lay my life out for you all to see -- for people to understand what it is like raising a medially fragile child and walking not only through our journey with Gavin here with us but also showing you the raw emotion that comes after death. I can only pray someone finds hope and healing by following our journey. A few days ago I wrote these words:
Sometimes it is just so hard. I miss my little boy much. Today we went out and took family photos and I can't help but wish his little smile and cool green wheelchair was in those photos. The pain is so real -- and it hurts so bad. At times it can feel like a knife piercing my heart and taking away the very breath I breathe. The pain hurts, but in a way it feels so good. The pain at times draws me near to my little boy -- it helps me to remember the deep love I have for him.
Tonight Madison had practice at church for the kids Christmas performance on Sunday. As I watched the little three year olds I couldn't help but want to see my little boy up there. I felt my emotions starting to flood and now I sit here just thinking -- thinking how this just stinks. I can make my mind realize that my baby is no longer suffering but it doesn't satisfy my intense desire to see my little boy again.
There are times where I just want to go back to the past hold him a little tighter and look into his eyes. Little deeper.
Sometimes it's just so hard.
Sometimes this journey is so hard it can seem to stomp you so far down it's hard to even get out of bed. Then there are the times where if you look really hard there is so much hope and joy to be seen through the dense fog.
Are you looking?