Tonight at 10:43 will be exactly one month since I have seen my little boy. I miss him so much and as I have said before, it's crazy how some days it just hits me hard -- today has been one of those days.
I just want to see him. I just want to care for him. I would do anything just to take a peek at his monitor, as I so frequently did over the past three years, and see his heart beat. That monitor was so darn annoying yet so comforting at the same time. Each beep meant another heart beat of life. I want to smell his little duckie as it is clenched in his puffy little hands. I want so many things -- things that I just can't have.
Today Madison and I stopped to get coffee and I was having all these flashbacks of bringing both the kids in daily to WaWa to get my morning coffee. When Gavin was small and still in an infant carrier and before Adam and I became enlightened to the idea of carrying all his pumps and monitors in one big bag, I would have Gavin in the crook of one arm and a TPN bag, a Feeding pump bag and a monitor bag in the other arm -- not to mention my little girl who wad only a small tot and my purse. I was a nut. I fully admit it. And then there were the days after he got his power chair -- we would still all go in. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
The thing about death that is the hardest for me is that I can't control it. I can't bring him back. I can't make the hurt go away. It's not like there is a relationship to heal or a long lost friend that needs to be found -- I can't bring my little boy back and after 3 1/2 years of making things ok -- making them work despite the struggle it would be -- I cannot make this work. I can't control death.
That just stinks.
Makes me realize how greatful I am for hope.
If I didn't have Him to pull me out of this pit then who would?
27 comments:
Sending you so much love and so much hope.
so glad you have Him and that He is so faithful...love you
Oh Karen... I can't believe it's already been a month. I can only imagine your pain. Just know he's in a better place walking and running all over heaven!
Hugs - Tiffany
Thankful you all have Him as well.
He is the ultimate healer. He healed Gavin in the way that he needed healing and He will heal you in the way that you need healing. It will not be as immediate as Gavin's healing but it will come. God is great and merciful and He loves you so much for all that you did for Gavin while he was here. Keep trusting in Him. He's by your side and so are we.
May God's love comfort you and your family during this sad time. Your sweet Gavin is free of all those tubes and monitors.
Regina
The feeling you feel - that you wish you could "make it better" - well I can kinda sorta relate. I wish I could make it better for YOU. I'm so sorry Gavin's been gone a whole month. :-(
We love you guys and we are praying that God heals the hurt but that we never forget the impact that Gavin had on all of our lives. I miss seeing him when you come in the doors of church and the way his little voice sounded when he said "sponge bob". That was my favorite word.
Thinking of you and asking Him for hope and strength for you each day.
I was introduced to your blog by a friend of mine. we are both prayerful women and I cannot imagine what you are going through... not even for a second! I don't know if it is any consolation, but we are praying for you daily... even down here in Texas. You have a beautiful family! My heart aches for you.. momma-to-momma! Please keep hope in Him, all things are possible, and know that we are hugging you from our computers daily!!!
Prayerfully,
Tiffany Sutherland
i stumbled on your photography blog and ended up here reading your story. my heart is aching for you and i cannot imagine the intense pain. we have a very small connection in that our sons share the same name...gavin owens. you and your family will now be in my daily prayers. matthew 7:25 says, the rain came down, the streams rose & the winds blew & beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. i am so glad to hear that your strength is in HIM...sincerely, corrie owens
today, as i miss my mom who passed away 9 months ago - can it really be 9 months since i last talked with her? - the pain is so palpable that i can't even begin to fathom the pain you and adam are going through as you mark your one month mark without sweet gavin.
keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers.
so sorry for the hard days. on those days know that God has his arms wrapped tight around you. your family is still lifted up in prayer. btw, i sent some babylegs your way! such an honor to serve the Lord in remembrance of your sweet boy.
Continuing to think of you and your beautiful family. Prayers are sent to you and may God continue to bless your lives!
Every morning I check your blog. Every afternoon I go home and give my son an extra hug in Gavin memory. I can't imagine what you are going through. Just know that one day you will all be together again. No one will ever forget those eyes.
May God bring peace to you and take away the pain. Continue to lean on the Lord who gives you strength. Gavin is healed now and we thank Jesus for taking Gavin to be with him... although he is missed so, Gavin will forever be in our hearts. How wonderful it will be for all the children who receive babylegs because of the Owens family love and sweet, sweet Gavin. May our Father in Heaven hold you in his loving arms.
Sending much love your way. I have no words to ease your pain and sorrow. Thank you for sharing with me.
Karen I want to send you many hugs... My heart aches for you too as you miss your little boy. It is hard to believe a month has gone by already since Gavin left. I can only give you words of comfort but God all mighty can give you his peace and love to hold you in his arms when you miss Gavin. God is the only one who can give us that feeling when we miss our loved ones. So glad you have him in your life to keep going.
(((Karen))) Im praying for comfort today, I cant imagine your pain, missing him so. I love seeing his face here...he has a smile thats unforgettable. May God give you strength.
Hugs and continued prayers for your family-
Heidi & Jack 6.
I can't believe that it has already been a month, Know that your family is thought about daily. Also know that your family has a special Angel in heaven watching over all of you. May God continue to give you the strength that you need to deal with the good days and bad.
I love you..keep smiling
(your sis)
Hugs to you. Tearing up over the memories I know you must have constantly. Just to see his bright full-of-joy eyes makes my eyes water and my heart ache for you. I'll not rush life but it's people like you have really taught me that I have taken so many things for granted and that nothing here will ever be perfect. Heaven, the perfect world awaits.
You said you wanted to talk about Gavin. I would love to hear about the begining, those posts aren't on here (or at least I can't find them).
Honestly, I cannot even imagine. I'm speechless.
Honestly, I cannot even imagine. I'm speechless.
I am looking forward to learning more about the support group you are spearheading at DuPont.
I have to say I'm quite impressed that you took the kids to Wawa for coffee. I think that was my first habit to go. I opted to change to DunkinDonuts for the drive-thru coffee! There is just so much energy in me each day and one less trip in/out of the car helps :-) But, if I'm on my own, I definitely stop for Wawa coffee...yum!
At times along this journey I have found the pain of missing, of longing for once was, to strike like a rogue wave. The one that tumbles you about while you just hope to again catch your breath and find the surface.
I'm not sure when the waters calm. My wish for you is deep breaths amidst the waves.
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