Saturday, January 30, 2010

Girls Day Out...

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After a terribly long an difficult week it was decided that since Daddy was going out with the guys to the Philadelphia Auto Show that the girls needed to get out as well!  Madison and I decided to go to the movies and see the Tooth Fairy.  It was a great movie and I had a wonderful time spending time with my little girl. 

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I have been struggling a lot with the effects of Gavin's death on our little girl.  After starting her in Art Therapy the therapist has pointed out some stuff to us that Madison struggles with as a direct result of her difficult first four years -- it's hard to hear.  Even though I know without a shadow of a doubt that Adam and I both gave Madison everything we could give, both physically and emotional, fact is there were so many factors that we had no control of and were inevitable such as lack of stability and being put in situations that even would scare a grown man or woman. I often feel so much pain -- just to know that my little girl is in pain.  She misses her brother.  She is bored -- and it's not boredom that can be solved by more activities or a play date.  It's a missing piece in her life -- the same deep painful void we as adults feel after loosing Gavi.

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With all my worries and concern for my little girl I somehow still feel a pretty good sense of peace.  I am choosing to trust in God -- that in the times Adam and I could not provide for Madison, while we were in the moments of crisis and trying to keep Gavin alive, He came and stepped in.  When she needed  to be held -- He was there to hold her.  I still worry as a mother but I'm also choose to believe God's hand has been on my little girl since the day of her birth.

Just look at her -- she is so stinkin' beautiful, way beyond her cute little smile.

20 comments:

CRUSTYBEEF said...

I think you are just amazing.
Found this site by MckMama and so you know, I have you all in my thoughts.
a neighbor of ours lost their 8year old daughter to the same illness, one year ago this march.
My hairdresser and pal, James and his wife two days before they were to deliver their 2nd son, found out that their older son has the same illness..

I will continue to send positive vibes..
one crusty mom-e

Anonymous said...

Please tell Madison that I think she is a model in the making. She is a beautiful child. Tell her also that my college age daughter is going to want to go shopping for boots like that as soon as she sees this picture. Too cute! My love and prayers for all of you.

Gina

Anonymous said...

Hi,
You dont know me but I am a former student of Erin Curtis who has been following your blog since reading about it through hers.

I just wanted to share with you how inspired I am by reading your blog and following your story. I am only 21 and thus not quite at the point of having kids of my own yet, but I only dream of being as good a parent to my future kids as you have been to Madi and Gavi. I was horrified by the comments the other day, as to me your blogs have never permeated anything but the true love and adoration you have for both of your children.

I admire your strength and perseverance to move forward from this nightmare - this is something many are not able to do and I really am inspired by your optimism and effort. In this blog you discuss your worries about Madi but trust me, I've never even met you and I still know that with parents like you, she will turn out just fine.

I am a first year medical student and it is families like you that give me the strength to continue my education - if I can help just one family avoid the devastating loss that you have, it is all worth it. Reading your blog has truly motivated me to be the best doctor I can be and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.

p.s. I dont know if anyone has ever told you this before but you are an EXTREMELY eloquent writer. YOu really have a talent.

p.p.s. Madi is the best dressed 4-year old I have ever seen. LOVE LOVE LOVE her outfits!! so cute.

jocalyn said...

YES, she is! And you are beautiful parents. Keep doin' what you're doin'.

hugs.

3saints said...

I always tell people that we as adults under estimate the relationship between our children. We have a little girl who's 8, she's been watching her brother fight for 5 years...it has taken a huge emotional toll on her and as much as we try we can't take away her pain..she adores her brother...it's all so hard.
Hang in there...your sweet girl is beautiful, and kind, and strong...she's going to do amazing things.
Warmly
Kate

Erin said...

You are amazing! During a crisis you do what you have to do to make the situation content. Madi is just precious and always has a good smile on that cute face. Praying for yall daily!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you guys. Madi is a wonderful little girl. You could always is the love she had for her little brother. Gavin will help her through this time of healing.
Tina

Anonymous said...

Like Madison, I too was raised alongside my chronically ill brother who took up the majority of my parents time. He passed away a few years back and although I miss him with all my heart, I feel a tremendous sense of peace knowing that my parents used all their energy and did everything in their power to give him the best life possible for the time he was with us. Although that resulted in less of their attention for me, I wouldn't have had it any other way and have no regrets or resentment - it was totally worth it knowing my brother was taken care of. That is what family does - we sacrifice to give those we love a better life, and do so happily. I know Madi will be just fine.

Anonymous said...

Good to see you having Mommy-Madi time. Still praying for you all.

Tina in Saskatchewan

Anonymous said...

I have been viewing your site since a few weeks before Gavin
s home-going. I have never commented however (I kinda feel like a stalker). I don't even remember how I stumbled on you. I have prayed for yall through this difficult time, but mostly prayed for Madison. God has provided for her. When you were not strong enough to pray or tend to her, God provided for her through other.
I am honored to be one of those who have prayed for your family. Thanks for sharing your life with me. I have been blessed.
BTY...who did you blog? Incredible!

Sheila Lackey
sheilalackey@bellsouth.net
I hope you dont mind If I keep stalking you. hahah.

Anonymous said...

Wow! It has been quite a while since I have checked in here, and I only did so today because Elizabeth must have read some of the negative comments. I have no emotional energy to waste reading them for myself (no offense!) I personally am excited for the new season your family has entered and look forward to seeing the fruit of all the suffering you've endured. We love you guys and are proud of the way you've walked through this, and continue to. Love & blessings, Debbie

Christina H said...

Dear Adam and Karen,
I want you to know that i go to morningstar fellowship and i want to give you and your husband a gift for valentines day. My gift is a day the madison could come over to my house play with me and my sister and you and your husband can have a few hours to yourselves or a special date for two my name is Christina H and you can look me up in the church directory. Please accept my gift and have a great day.

Hailey said...

She is a doll! Ya'll are doing a wonderful job with her...I can see it in her eyes! :)

Anonymous said...

Keep doing what you're doing and Madison will be just fine. Who knows, maybe she'll grow up to be a doctor some day.
Also, please tell her that I lover her boots. They rock!
Francine from Manchester, CT

Becky said...

aww, Karen she is so beautiful inside and out and time is a beautiful thing to help us through everything. Praying for her and you guys too as you take it day by day.

Lisa said...

Karen...you are amazing! Truly, and honestly. Madison is absolultely darling and beyond beautiful. I have the utmost respect and admiration for you. During the reading of all of your posts over the last months, I have felt your strength, courage and dedication. As a mom of three and a teacher for the past decade, I can attest to the fact that children do grieve differently. Just like you and Adam, Madison is missing a part of herself. A part that your precious Gavin took with him when he entered the gates of heaven. You did all that could be done, and I COMPLETELY agree with you that God wrapped his arms around Madison when she needed it...and he will continue to do so forever.
What a wonderful afternoon you must have had at the movies, and it just pleases my heart to see you and Madison enjoying your time together. Family...love...faith...you have it all!
Be well...and thank you so much for sharing your journey with the rest of us...it is our privilege to feel a part of it!
Hugs,
Lisa :)

Abbey said...

I went through similar circumstances when I was a child. God did step in, and it's only through his grace that I turned out to be a solid Christian, and mentally healthy, woman/wife/mother. Madison will be a very strong adult, and will probably be mature beyond her years.

Continue to trust Him.

Phyllis said...

I feel guilty that my daughter is affected so much by her brothers conditions but like you said we do all we can do to maintain stability for her and much is beyond our control.

She is quite the fashionista!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Karen, this post just resonates with me. My mother was very sick and then was dying when my daughter was age 6 through 10. She was very close to her grandma and I had to trust that God was taking care of my little girl as I was overwhelmed with the needs of my mother.

My mother's most precious gift to her was a deep faith in God that she left my daughter with and it has been amazing to watch as she has grown up and is now married.

I look forward to future posts about Madison's amazing journey as she grows up.

You and your family have been in my prayers so many times and I continue to pray for you as you go through this grieving time.

Anonymous said...

Oh and one more thing.

I look forward to Madison's amazing journey as she grows up, the good and the bad, because there will be ups and downs!

Just did not want any pressure to only post the good times.