I didn't really want to address the comments on my last post but today decided that I should. We get some negative comments every now and again and usually just let it roll off our backs -- after all we are the ones who choose to make our life public. Some comments are people just trying to stir things up and I choose just to ignore then as not to fuel their fire. Others are trying to help but in the end their comments hurt just as bad.
To start off I just want to remind you of a few things that I think will help people understand my last post -- Adam and I watched our little boy suffer for three long years. We watched the very life be sucked out of him. We watched him go from a talkative little boy who loved to play with trains and trucks to a child who suffered with intense episodes of delirium and would scream for hours inconsolable. We watched as each of his organs began to be effected and overtaken by his disease. We watched him fight infection after infection each of which took a harder hit on his sick little body. Worst of all we watched our little boy endure a horrible death -- a 52 hour long episode of drowning in his own fluid.
The moment of Gavin's death brought our family an intense overwhelming time of both sorrow and joy. Our prayers were answered and the little boy that once lit up a room with his smile was now able to smile again -- in total perfect health.
A day or second does not go by that I do not think of my little boy who came from my very flesh, who I once held in my arms and gave every ounce of my energy to, caring for him and making sure all his intense medical needs were met.
So here we are now. Gavin is gone. And although I would give everything to lay a blanket over his grave and lay on the ground with my body pressed firm against that dirt -- just trying to get a little closer to his flesh, I can't. So Adam and I are taking all the thing that we feel Gavin left us behind as "gifts" -- having more time, more freedom, a new life and we are moving forward.
People need to remember this just because we are moving forward does not mean in anyway that we are leaving our little boy behind. Gavin's very essence is woven through our family, his spirit is what our family is all about. And for the joy part -- how can we not feel intense joy that our little boy is no longer suffering? Our joy is the testament of a loving God who chose to not let our son suffer any more -- and begun the healing of our hearts.
So there you have it. This is where I am at. Please remember that this is a blog. There is a real live family behind these words. There are real emotions and moments that don't get put on this page -- simply because these are just words. I am just a women longing to find my place here on Earth, my place as a child of God and the answers to how I will live the rest of my life without my little boy.