Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Cold Steel Shovel....

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This week has been so crazy.  I have had so many blog posts running through my head but I just haven't had the strength to actually get them all typed out.  You see -- this week has been very difficult for our entire family.  This week feels like we were all hit in the face with a cold steel shovel -- a little somthing we call grief.

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As I have mentioned before, it's very crazy how grief just seems to sneak up out of nowhere.  We will be doing just fine and then all the sudden we are oevrwhelmed to the point of feeling paralyzed in sorrow, our guts churning with pain and grief.  It's a process.  A process that must happen.  I was reminded once again this week that grief in not a condition -- there is nothing to fix.  In fact the process has to happen in order to find healing.  The process looks diffrent for everyone.  For our family, we seem to find peace and joy on most days and then there are times like this past week that our faces our slapped with reality.

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As I sit here looking back over this past week I am once again remined that although grief is a difficult process there is also so much beauty to be seem.  Grief is an oppertunity to receive the overwhelming grace and love that only God can give.  This week we began to throw up all the deep pain sitting in the depths of our souls, crying out all of our intense sorrow.  As more came out it allowed room for the healing to come in -- the more that came out the more that could come back in.  It's seems to be a cycle, and when we have gotten it all out we are once again starring face to face with a loving a gracious God who has never left our side during this entire proocess.  Who's love and arms have never once loosned their grip on our lives.

And then the cycle begins again.

I'm not sure how long this lasts -- maybe a lifetime.  The pain hurts but it is also a reminder of my deep love for my little boy, a love that I never want to forget. One thing I know is for sure, that even when my sorrow and pain at times hides His face -- He is still right there, He never once will leave my side.




Photo Credit: Ryan Estes -- Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

15 comments:

Jessica said...

Thank you for being brave. Raw. So open. I can't imagine your pain, but I can pray...
Blessings from across the Mason-Dixon line.
Jessica

Heather said...

Sending you peace and grace ...

OHN said...

I think you would be surprised at how often so many of us think of you all. I hope that each cycle of grief is followed by a longer cycle of joy.

Please don't let anyone tell you that you should be "moving on" or anything like that. Nobody can predict or demand a time frame for grief.

Amanda G said...

My mom showed me your blog many months ago and ive been following your Gavin's story and your family. You've probably heard this before but I really enjoy the blog as much as your grief comes up you can just let it come and go. Eventually you will be at peace or settled. I know its a rough road, but life will start to turn around sooner or later. But let grief run its cycle. God is wonderful. Your photography is beautiful as well as your little boy. You were in my prayers and always will be. Also I live in Berks County so it really made it interesting to follow you in your journey. Anyway, God bless and take it one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty. I just cannot understand why God let Gavin suffer. The pictures break my heart. I can see the pain in all of your eyes. What is God's purpose? How do you keep your faith after this?

I wish you knew how many people who can't hold your hand are holding you in their hearts. And we are sharing your pain.

Phyllis said...

I never get tired of seeing your little guys face. He is so beautiful. Wonderful description of grief.

Brayden'smom said...

Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. Your honesty and braveness are so inspiring. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Please continue to post pictures of Gavin, I miss him so much. His smile makes anyone smile. I enjoy going back to the post from last summer just to see his smiling face when I am having a bad day.

brandiandboys said...

karen and adam, i can't imagine the journey your on dealing with the loss of a precious child. not a day goes by where i don't think about you two and the struggle you're facing. you're both so incredibly strong and have been such an amazing example of leaning on Christ.

praying for each of you and thank you for honestly sharing your life with us,
brandi

Lisa said...

thinking of you...praying for you....sending strength your way.
be well,
Lisa :)

Christina Egner said...

((hug))

Katrina said...

I check your site regularly for updates. I noticed you didn't blog this past week and I kept thinking that this must be a difficult week. I don't know what you are feeling but I have walked with a very good friend of mine thru this same valley. I know when I don't hear from her for a while she is having a difficult time. After 6 years she still has these times....I let her cry and I listen.
Nothing that anyone says or do can "fix" this. You and your family have to have these moments so you can heal. Just know there are so many of us out here that pray for you everyday!!s

Anonymous said...

Karen you are always in my thoughts and especially today. My nine month old is sick with an upper respitory and ear infection. And my heart breaks when my children are hurting. Thats where my thoughts of you come you constantly had to see your Gavin in pain for 3 and a half years. I will always continue to pray for you that god will keep holding you up when moments of grief shows up in your life.

Dianne Mesure said...

Thank you Karen and Adam for sharing part of your journey with Gavin. You asked why Jesus chose you to be his Mom and I believe that is because no one else could have loved him as you do. My throat was tight and my eyes welled up with tears as I relived my own journey through the 3 month premature birth of twins and death 4 months later of my son Michael. I was not saved at the time and was hopeless for 3 years. But Jesus hung on to me and I know He was with you and your family throughout this experience. I know what you meant by buying Gavin more time as I refused surgery because I was bleeding, trying to buy more time for my twins in the womb, nearly at the cost of my own life. But Mothers do that, don't they? Now I see that Michael was not my own but belonged to Jesus, as you said of Gavin. He is healed now and will not return to you, but you will go to him , as will I to my son. I think God gave you a special honor to love and care for this special angel on a mission, and you and your husband honored God by your love and care and release of Gavin. Who knows of the eternal effect your suffering has had on those in the hospital who cared for him? You will never forget him, but will be distanced from the pain as daily you continue on your assignment from the Lord. God bless you for being the kind of people (your husband and daughter) that you are. God bless you!
Dianne M

Shari said...

Praying for your peace and comfort during this time.

Anonymous said...

May God be with your family... I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Your family is absolutely beautiful.