Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Pounding the Pavement...

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Well, maybe not quite the pavement but I sure have been pounding the treadmill and what feels like every other price of cardio equipment known to man. The YMCA is hosting a pretend race to Hawaii and of course I took on the challenge.  Every minute of cardio counts as one mile -- and I have over 5000 to go. Am I trying to get healthy and in shape?  Kinda, but I have ulterior motives.  I'm actually having it out with God.   I know I show my strong side here on the blog but truth is I'm a mommie who just lost her little boy and I'm a women who's in need of a little time each day to tell God just how hurt I am that I have to wake up everyday without my little guy.

The gym is a great place to get it all out. I literally pound the treadmill floor with my body, telling God just how much my heart hurts and sometimes I even just need to tell him I'm a bit peeved. It seems like in the religious world,  having feelings of anger toward God is so taboo. But I think the truth is God knows we get angry.  And in a way it's a time for God to provide emotional healing and peace and maybe even a little bit of joy snuck in.

I have 90 mins each day to get it all out before God. I listen to my music and watch a slideshow of my sweet Gavin play across my iPhone and at times I shed a tear. But in the end as I listen to truth about how God is my healer how he will bring great things into my life -- how nothing is impossible for him -- the hurt and anger is faded away and I can once again find peace and joy in the death of Gavin, not because he is no longer in my arms but because I have faith and know he has been made whole.

This week marked three months since we said goodbye to our little boy.  I miss him more than ever.  I feel like if we just keep telling God how hurt we are and how much we miss him  it seems to free up space for his peace to come in.  Why hide my anger from God?  It that really even possible.

9 comments:

Phyllis said...

He can handle it! (At least that is what I tell myself.) You are gonna be in fine shape for swimsuit weather!!!

livehappy08 said...

My name is Bailee Goodell, and I am a college student at Utah State University in Utah, I found Gavin's through thesefavoritethings.blogspot.com. I was initially drawn in by your beautiful photography of Gavin and Madison. I found myself reading your posts from the beginning, crying start to finish. I know that I don't know you, or your family, but I felt that I should share with you how deeply affected I have been by your story. You said "If only we lived each day as it was not only our last day of life -- but our last breath." I have taken this to heart, and think of Gavin often. Thank you for sharing him with so many people through your blog. I don't understand or even comprehend what it must be like for your family to lose him, but I do know your little boy has changed my life.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Well said, Karen. I don't think we can really hide those feelings from our Creator. The Psalms are full of David pouring out his deepest questions and even anger!

Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. Prayers for your continued healing and peace.
Rachel Lever

Me and My Boys said...

I agree. God knows when we are angry with him so why hide it! What a great way to use your treadmill time to have it out with God! I'm so glad he continues to bring you healing. Sometimes it is a long journey but he is always faithful to help us along the way! Jess

Heather said...

Keep pounding Karen.Keep pounding.Your doing great.And He gets it.He really does.

Katrina said...

It's ok to be mad and He is big enough to take it! And He knows exactly how you feel....God lost (and gave) His son too.

I can't take away your hurts and pains. But I can continue to pray peace over you and your family.

Katrina

The Sutherlands said...

COMPLETELY understandable! I think because we are Gods "children" he knows we are going to get angry when things don't happen the way we want or in "our" time... we are human and we are His children... It is something I struggle with too... I have nothing that even comes close to what you have endured, but I want you to know I understand and I think what you do at the gym and EVER DAY is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

Ckinneer said...

Well said! Only God really understands what you're going through. He is the ultimate parent and like you, He had to watch His son suffer and die. He's a big God and He knows the inner workings of our hearts so why pretend?? Even though we don't know you other than by reading your blogs, you guys are always in our prayers. Keep giving it to God and I believe He'll provide the peace that you're seeking.

tytysmom said...

thinking of you