Well, maybe not quite the pavement but I sure have been pounding the treadmill and what feels like every other price of cardio equipment known to man. The YMCA is hosting a pretend race to Hawaii and of course I took on the challenge. Every minute of cardio counts as one mile -- and I have over 5000 to go. Am I trying to get healthy and in shape? Kinda, but I have ulterior motives. I'm actually having it out with God. I know I show my strong side here on the blog but truth is I'm a mommie who just lost her little boy and I'm a women who's in need of a little time each day to tell God just how hurt I am that I have to wake up everyday without my little guy.
The gym is a great place to get it all out. I literally pound the treadmill floor with my body, telling God just how much my heart hurts and sometimes I even just need to tell him I'm a bit peeved. It seems like in the religious world, having feelings of anger toward God is so taboo. But I think the truth is God knows we get angry. And in a way it's a time for God to provide emotional healing and peace and maybe even a little bit of joy snuck in.
I have 90 mins each day to get it all out before God. I listen to my music and watch a slideshow of my sweet Gavin play across my iPhone and at times I shed a tear. But in the end as I listen to truth about how God is my healer how he will bring great things into my life -- how nothing is impossible for him -- the hurt and anger is faded away and I can once again find peace and joy in the death of Gavin, not because he is no longer in my arms but because I have faith and know he has been made whole.
This week marked three months since we said goodbye to our little boy. I miss him more than ever. I feel like if we just keep telling God how hurt we are and how much we miss him it seems to free up space for his peace to come in. Why hide my anger from God? It that really even possible.