Thursday, March 18, 2010

Random Thoughts About Death...

Gavin's Mailbox-3Gavin's Mailbox-2

Even though death is one of the most natural things that occur during the cycle of ones life, to me it's the weirdest.  Today I spent some time at Gavin's grave and as I walked around for a bit, I realized how even though everyone experiences death, you don't actually have a real awareness for it, until you have lost  someone close to you.   The reason I say this is because one of the things I noticed today at the cemetery is just how many people die each day -- every time I go back to see Gavin there are at least three or four new graves.    I've driven by that cemetery almost everyday we were outpatient over the last four years and never once did I ever notice a new grave.  Not once did I ever realize just how many people are in a season of grief.

Gavin's Mailbox-1


Today as I drove out of the cemetery there was a lady standing at a grave, kicking the dirt off the headstone  and paying her respects.  Although I would never do this -- I wanted to just go say hi, as if we are part of a club.  Weird huh?  I guess it's just that feeling of wanting to belong to a group -- even if it's a club I would never in my life choose to join.

Gavin's Mailbox-5Gavin's Mailbox-6

As I stood and stared down at my little boy I just had this weird feeling --  what was I there for.  I'm not sure why, but there is this sense of peace just being in the presence of his body, even if his spirit is long gone.  I wasn't sure if I should cry or do jumps over the pile of dirt that covers him.  Then I started thinking about some cool things I could do to spruce up my little boy's resting place -- all which are not allowed at the cemetery, like dumping an entire bag of wild flower seeds and pushing them down into the dirt. Can you just see it?  This 5 foot by 3 foot patch of a bazillion colorful flowers -- Limerick Garden of Memories would not like that.

Gavin's Mailbox-4

A few months back Madison started on this mailbox project.  I thought it would be a great idea to place a mailbox at Gavin's grave so Madi could drop off all her pictures she draws for her brother.  Well, it was finally finished and we dropped it off a week or so ago after the snow melted.  I saw it there today and it made me smile.  

I love that even though Gavin is gone, he is still a very real part of our family.  

16 comments:

JayCee said...

♥ the mailbox.....great idea!

Kirsten Yarnall said...

The mailbox is such an amazing idea. I love the hundreds of flowers idea too. It's a shame that you can't choose what to do with his special place. We love you guys.

lost--for--words said...

I love your mailbox idea... We might have to do that too. My kids are always drawing pictures and finding little things for their sister, and I can't bear the thought of taking them to the cemetary just to have them blow away.

OHN said...

It makes me sad that you can't plant flowers. I think that would be beautiful. The mailbox....wonderful idea :)

Also, I hope Madison is feeling well...she looks like she isn't missing her tonsils-:)

Misty Rice said...

You guys are such a sweet special family...

I can't wait to meet you, even if I have to wait till heaven.

God Bless.

britta said...

Can you bring a potted plant of flowers?!

When I am at the cemetery "visiting" Dan....and when people walk by or drive by, I want to say hi too and wave. But I always figured I would weird them out!

The mailbox looks awesome!

Chris, Molly, and Baby said...

I really like the mailbox idea. My daughter died on October 27, 2009 shortly before your sweet Gavin. We live in Colorado and she is buried in North Carolina. I've been struggling with not having somewhere to go and "visit" her when I feel down. I am completely fine with her being in NC, I'm from there and my whole family is still there and they visit her.
My hubby and I were just thinking of putting a mailbox in the backyard painted special for my angel where I can go and be alone and think of her and leave things for her. We are also military and move every 2-3 years and this is something that would easily move with us. I've got such a big smile on my face thinking of making my babies "special mailbox!" You have often said on your blog exactly how I was feeling and I thank you for being so open and honest.
Molly

Jill said...

Wow! The mailbox is an awesome idea. Where did you find it? I'd love one for my angel Colin's grave. His brothers always make him pictures and I'm never really sure how to put them at his "special spot"

I also agree that we are part of a "club". It is a very special club, but one that we hope never gets bigger.

jillk77 at aol dot com

Brayden'smom said...

The flowers would be wonderful. I am sure that they would make everyone smile, at least a little bit.
Gavin will be a huge, wonderful part of your family forever. He was such a special little boy.

Colleen said...

That's such a sweet idea for sister to have a mailbox there. I love your updates. You are an inspiration.

Anonymous said...

Karen....your motherly love and strength is an emense inspiration to me as a mother of 3....thank you for sharing your posts....Gavin will never be forgotten, even by those who never met him!

Phyllis said...

I love the flower idea! I'm sure Gavin would love that his parents are being rebellious for him too!! lol Can you do that in your backyard?

Melissa said...

I love the mailbox idea!!! What a great idea, and a wonderful way for Madison to remember her brother. My daughter has Mito, and will someday join Gavin in heaven, and will leave behind her brother.Your posts are a blessing to read, and encourage me along this very difficult road that I have to travel. Thank You for being so honest about how you feel.

gilda said...

I am glad to hear the mailbox finally was able to be put out by Gavin's grave. I asked Adam about it in his Q&A post and he told me it would, thanks for showing the pictures I loved the idea of Madison doing that for Gavi. By my fathers gravesite there is a tree and people hang wind chimes. Is that allowed where Gavin is? They eventually get taken down when it becomes too many,but small ones are left and it sounds so pretty.Just a thought I would share with you.

gilda said...

I am glad to hear the mailbox finally was able to be put out by Gavin's grave. I asked Adam about it in his Q&A post and he told me it would, thanks for showing the pictures I loved the idea of Madison doing that for Gavi. By my fathers gravesite there is a tree and people hang wind chimes. Is that allowed where Gavin is? They eventually get taken down when it becomes too many,but small ones are left and it sounds so pretty.Just a thought I would share with you.

Karen W said...

I visit my Ethan everyday, I sit and talk and feel him there with me, I leave small toys that I know were special to him in sme way....I comment on new neighbours of his and I "joke" about him being so young among so many that are so much older...I know he isn't there but to have that place to go and be I get great comfort-it is a private place to cry....it is a special place and the mailbox is a wonderful idea, I am glad you find that comfort of family there, make it your own

Karen