Even though death is one of the most natural things that occur during the cycle of ones life, to me it's the weirdest. Today I spent some time at Gavin's grave and as I walked around for a bit, I realized how even though everyone experiences death, you don't actually have a real awareness for it, until you have lost someone close to you. The reason I say this is because one of the things I noticed today at the cemetery is just how many people die each day -- every time I go back to see Gavin there are at least three or four new graves. I've driven by that cemetery almost everyday we were outpatient over the last four years and never once did I ever notice a new grave. Not once did I ever realize just how many people are in a season of grief.
Today as I drove out of the cemetery there was a lady standing at a grave, kicking the dirt off the headstone and paying her respects. Although I would never do this -- I wanted to just go say hi, as if we are part of a club. Weird huh? I guess it's just that feeling of wanting to belong to a group -- even if it's a club I would never in my life choose to join.
As I stood and stared down at my little boy I just had this weird feeling -- what was I there for. I'm not sure why, but there is this sense of peace just being in the presence of his body, even if his spirit is long gone. I wasn't sure if I should cry or do jumps over the pile of dirt that covers him. Then I started thinking about some cool things I could do to spruce up my little boy's resting place -- all which are not allowed at the cemetery, like dumping an entire bag of wild flower seeds and pushing them down into the dirt. Can you just see it? This 5 foot by 3 foot patch of a bazillion colorful flowers -- Limerick Garden of Memories would not like that.
A few months back Madison started on this mailbox project. I thought it would be a great idea to place a mailbox at Gavin's grave so Madi could drop off all her pictures she draws for her brother. Well, it was finally finished and we dropped it off a week or so ago after the snow melted. I saw it there today and it made me smile.
I love that even though Gavin is gone, he is still a very real part of our family.