Grief is a crazy thing -- sound familiar? I think you are going to be hearing this phrase a lot for a while. I'm learning that grief is a long process, one that cannot be understood and a process that changes almost daily. Just as I think I've got things figured out in my mind and heart I seem to be thrusted into a new stage of the process. I guess it's kinda like parenting -- once we think we have our children figured out they change and all the tricks we once used no longer work.
Just today I was at the gym and thinking about life. I was thinking about how at that moment our past reality was hard for me to even claim -- did that all really happen? That's kinda what I was feeling. I started to feel very numb, almost a little guilty that my heart wasn't overwhelmed with sadness and loss. I was just kinda there -- not overly happy and not sad -- just kinda there.
When we pulled into our driveway Madison and I took a little time to clean out our van, as she tends to use it as her own personal garbage can and like her little brother rips everything to shreds leaving a nice mess of little tiny papers behind. We were about to get out of the van when I reached underneath the seat and pulled out an old used medical mask that my little boy once wore. I held it to my nose trying to get any scent of what was once my little fighter -- it was gone.
My heart and soul have been churning ever since. I was once again pushed right back into the reality that was once ours, our sick little boy -- but more importantly our amazing child who defied the odds, who had a smile that could melt the coldest of heart and the sweet spirit only God could give. Gosh -- grief sucks. But as I have said before I welcome it in the same way I first welcomed my little boy into my arms -- it reminds me what I miss so much, it reminds me of special bond that only a mother can son can have, it reminds me that like his birth -- out of my pain can come the most beautiful of gifts.