This post was orignally written April 24 2010
Yesterday as Adam and I were preparing to speak with the residents at the AI duPont Hospital for Children, regarding our experiences during Gavin's death, I felt the deep emotions welling up as I went back and looked at some things that I haven't seen since before his death.
Today as I watch some video of my sweet little boy I realized that I almost forgot -- I almost forgot his sweet voice and I almost forgot how much life he still had in him, despite his failing body. As I've stated here on the blog before -- it's crazy how Adam and I can talk about Gavin's death and the suffering he endured in his last year, but often times the pain of remembering his smile and sweet voice is so heavy, it literally thrust me into deep sorrow and pain. When we think about Gavin's suffering it reminds us that his death, despite the sadness, brought along with it a beautiful gift -- the hope of a new life free from pain.
Yesterday as Adam and I left the hospital I asked Adam what he thought people were thinking as they listened to us tell the story of Gavin's death with no tears, but rather a sense of hope and feeling of peace. There tends to be this expectation that tears are a sign of love and without them there might be something missing -- that maybe we are grieving in an unhealthy way. This side of grief -- the peace despite the pain -- seems to be left out of the books. Just because at this moment my eyes are not filled with tears, doesn't mean as I remember my little boy swinging on the swings being pushed by his big sister, doesn't send me to my knees begging God to turn back time.
It's just something to think about.
At times I often wonder what other mother's feel like after the death of their chronically ill child. I often long to know that I'm normal -- but is there really a normal? Every death is so different -- every death experience is so different.
Gavin was granted a trip to Walt Disney World through the Make-A-Wish foundation just 6 months before his death. His trip was one of the last times we spent together as a family with Gavin in good health. I have never went back and looked at the countless hours of video we took on that trip. I have been so scared at what emotions would follow. You see -- somethings can trigger a grief that can be so deep that it literally feels deadly.
Yesterday I caught just a few a few glimpses of that video and my heart has once again been ripped out of my chest with deep longing to hear him say my name and see his smile once again.
Gosh -- it hurts so bad, but it also feels so good. As a grieving mother, and as time goes on, my mind starts to think of other things -- other things besides Gavin. I'm often filled with guilt, wanting to feel the same intense emotions as I did the day we said goodbye. It is moments like right now, watching this video, where I am once again am reminded how much I loved and still love my little boy.
He gave this world an amazing gift -- He gave this hurting mommie an amazing gift.
**This post contains a must see Video -- click here is you can not view movie clip.