Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Almost Forgot...

Gavin-1Gavin-2




This post was orignally written April 24 2010

Yesterday as Adam and I were preparing to speak with the residents at the AI duPont Hospital for Children, regarding our experiences during Gavin's death, I felt the deep emotions welling up as I went back and looked at some things that I haven't seen since before his death. 

Today as I watch some video of my sweet little boy I realized that I almost forgot -- I almost forgot his sweet voice and I almost forgot how much life he still had in him, despite his failing body.  As I've stated here on the blog before -- it's crazy how Adam and I can talk about Gavin's death and the suffering he endured in his last year, but often times the pain of remembering his smile and sweet voice is so heavy, it literally thrust me into deep sorrow and pain.  When we think about Gavin's suffering it reminds us that his death, despite the sadness, brought along with it a beautiful gift -- the hope of a new life free from pain.  

Yesterday as Adam and I left the hospital I asked Adam what he thought people were thinking as they listened to us tell the story of Gavin's death with no tears, but rather a sense of hope and feeling of peace.  There tends to be this expectation that tears are a sign of love and without them there might be something missing -- that maybe we are grieving in an unhealthy way.  This side of grief -- the peace despite the pain -- seems to be left out of the books.  Just because at this moment my eyes are not filled with tears, doesn't mean as I remember my little boy swinging on the swings being pushed by his big sister, doesn't send me to my knees begging God to turn back time.

It's just something to think about.

At times I often wonder what other mother's feel like after the death of their chronically ill child.  I often long to know that I'm normal -- but is there really a normal?  Every death is so different -- every death experience is so different.

Gavin was granted a trip to Walt Disney World through the Make-A-Wish foundation just 6 months before his death.  His trip was one of the last times we spent together as a family with Gavin in good health.  I have never went back and looked at the countless hours of video we took on that trip.  I have been so scared at what emotions would follow.  You see -- somethings can trigger a grief that can be so deep that it literally feels deadly.  

Yesterday I caught just a few a few glimpses of that video and my heart has once again been ripped out of my chest with deep longing to hear him say my name and see his smile once again.

Gosh -- it hurts so bad, but it also feels so good.  As a grieving mother, and as time goes on, my mind starts to think of other things -- other things besides Gavin.  I'm often filled with guilt, wanting to feel the same intense emotions as I did the day we said goodbye.  It is moments like right now, watching this video, where I am once again am reminded how much I loved and still love my little boy.  




He gave this world an amazing gift -- He gave this hurting mommie an amazing gift.




**This post contains a must see Video -- click here is you can not view movie clip.



24 comments:

Erin said...

Makes you realize that you talk with a certain voice to each one of your kids when you speak to them. Sometimes the voice that brings me to tears in the video clips is mine.

smilingfaces said...

Beautiful video, it brings tears of happiness and sadness all at the same time for you and your family.

Micha

Raeanne said...

What a beautiful video, Karen!
Your peace through everything has been an amazing inspiration, and a lesson in faith! No one who sees that video (or who's read any of this blog) would ever doubt your love for Gavin!

Tam said...

really, an amazing video.

so many things were captured. i was especially moved by the love his sister showed him. the way she looked at him. so very precious.

my heart grieves that your heart grieves so deeply. as a mama, myself, i just can not fathom what you and adam have had to endure.

having followed your journey for quite some time i am continually amazed with yours and adams strength. even in the midst of the pain.

you are loved.

JayCee said...

Karen,
The Lord esteems how you are holding on to Him at the same time you are grieving. I heard these verses today and they seem appropriate to you/your situation:

"We cried as we went out to plant our seeds. Now let us celebrate as we bring in the crops. We cried on the way to plant our seeds, but we will celebrate and shout as we bring in the crops." Psalm 126:4-5

Even though I've never met you, I just wanted to encourage you today and let you know you are an encouragement to others.

Blessings,
Janet Cline
St. Louis, Missouri

P.S....Beautiful video!

Deb said...

love love love this video! it's truly precious! such a gift. our children are so amazingly special.

Shari said...

Beautiful video! It brought tears of joy to see him suc a happy little guy! What a cutie!

Awise said...

That video was amazing! His smile could light up a room & Madison is so sweet. She was just so in love with her little brother. I think of your family often! God bless.

Makenzies Miracle said...

AMAZING! Lots of tears! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have still not looked at the videos of Makenzie before her accident. I am thinking after watching that I may have to go dig them out with a box of tissues! Lots of love and prayers!

Brayden'smom said...

This is an amazing video. A moving tribute to your son's life. A true testimate to how much he loved life. I am glad that you have this to watch whenever you need to see his smile or hear laugh or his voice. You continue to be an inspiration to so many.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing the video. I loved seeing him again. Of course, I cried the whole way through (even now). I can't stand that you had to lose him. I loved it especially when everyone sang him Happy Birthday and he was trying to blow out the candle and Maddie was so excited for him. He is beautiful. You all are amazing.

Debbie S. in CT

Gilda said...

What wonderful memories you have of your little man. I too got teary eyed looking at his sweet and heart warming smile. I know you miss him so, thanks for sharing your beautiful video.

Kristina said...

Great video. It shows just how much living you were able to pack into his short life. What a lucky little boy he was and I am so sorry for your grief.

Mark Lopa said...

I cried so hard I have a headache! I wish I met this little boy. His voice is so sweet and his smile makes me want to float to the edge of Heaven to get a glimpse of how happy Gavin is today.

Just Another Ordinary Miracle said...

Oh Karen.
do i have the courage to one day walk your shoes with such grace.
because that's what he gave you, grace.

Joanna said...

You inspire me. reading your blog has really helped me to enjoy my babies and see all the beauty in everyday life. i hope you don't mind i linked your last post from my blog with the hope of sharing how you have inspired me with my readers (even though there are probably 5 (: ).

Anonymous said...

He truly was an angel here on earth. Most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
May God keep him fresh in your mind until they day you see him again in Heaven.

-Francine from Connecticut

Baylee and Blair's page said...

OMG... I knew not to click on the video and I did it anyway! I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you all always included him in day to day things that people might be scared to take their child to. You gave him the best life possible and that is amazing to me!

Hugs - Tiffany

Suesan said...

Bawling at my desk. Such a wonderful video. Thank you for sharing this video and your heart.

Anonymous said...

I think your great faith in God is something that contributes to how you grieve. Some people don't have that faith or conviction that their loved one is in a better, happier place, awaiting the time for your reunion. Their grief takes on a different meaning and approach. Only those with great, unbending faith, I believe, would truly understand why you don't sob or cry when you talk about Gavin, even though you are profoundly feeling Gavin's lost. You trust in God's plan and know that Gavin is in a better place, and that you will see him again some day.

Anonymous said...

I often wonder how many people your little Angel touched without you even knowing. How many nurses, doctors, friends, and strangers speak of Gavin with love throughout their day. I do not know you, but you have touched my life. Someone gave me babylegs for my daughter, I thought of you, went to a wedding and a college friend now works at DuPont in the pediatric cardiac ICU...thought of your family. May you always know that you are thought of daily, even though we have not met, and I will always ask God to give you peace.

Anonymous said...

Karen,
As one of the residents at duPont, I just wanted to tell you how much Gavin has touched all of us. You probably don't know me by name, and yet we passed by eachother in the halls of 3E daily for so many days/weeks/months of his life. I cried at home many times during the last few days of his life, and reading your blog has been such a source of inspiration to me. I'm sure that my fellow residents at the retreat felt the same way as they hear your story, and I'm sure that no one was surprised that you and Adam were able to tell it with the strength and courage that you have had throughout. I wish your family the best.

Lisa said...

amazingly beautiful!!! thank you for sharing it and for sharing your feelings. Although i cannot begin to understand how you are feeling, my heart aches for you and I send you positive energy and thoughts...you are an amazing family!!!! Know that you inspire people beyond what you imagine! thank you!
be well...
Lisa :)

Ash said...

I believe I saw you and your daughter in the lobby of Dupont the other day. We have been inpatient for a while now and I've thought about Gavin every time I see a child wearing babylegs! I also thought of you early this morning as Dr. Raab introduced himself as the doctor covering the weekend and I remembered you posting about him. Your little boy and family has touched my heart so deeply. The video you shared is precious and filled with so much love and joy...you can feel it by just watching and listening. (((hugs)))

Ash @
www.thehouseofdestephano.blogspot.com