It's fascinating to look back over a span of time and see how the roles we play as a person change. I've always been a girl, but one day I took on the role as women. I've always been a daughter, but then I became a wife and then eventually a mother. My journey as a mother started as a new mommie learning the ropes and later morphed into the role of mother but with intense challenges. Every mother has one job -- to nurture. To provide an environment for her children to grow and thrive. My one job turned into a very difficult one -- to keep my little boy alive despite a cruel devastating disease slowly overtaking his little body.
I was officially welcomed into the special needs community. I was the proud mother of an adorable little girl, healthy and strong and a little boy whose every breath was a fight for life. Even though I was still a mother -- it all changed. Being a mother to a special needs child is a unique experience -- one that no what to expect when you are expecting book can ever prepare you for. Being a mother to a terminal child with special needs is not only difficult but changes the very process of motherhood -- you are no longer preparing your child for life -- but rather death. Being a mother to a terminal child with special needs along side other siblings is just a whole different scenario.
Before Gavin died I wanted so bad to be the mommie my little girl needed. I think I did a pretty good job but fact is it was very difficult. It's difficult to explain the intense battle a mother faces as she tires to give her typical children a normal life and at the same time give the child with special needs the extra time and care they need in order to thrive. After Gavin died, I took on a new roll that I haven't seen in several years -- simply mommie.This past week I've really tried to embrace my new roll -- simply mommie. All the other roles I've played over my lifetime have prepared me for this time -- to be this type of mommie. I'm striving to become an intentional mommie -- to make an intentional effort to give my little girl the love she needs and deserves. I know my little girl knows I love her -- but do I tell her enough. I want to touch and kiss her more, as I now know well the feeling of no longer having that touch. I want to let her know she is an amazing child -- to make it a point to use the words beautiful, special, amazing, important and loved as apart of our daily conversations.
For now this is my role -- and I choose to embrace this beautiful role as I know it will soon change again.