I could probably write for days recounting the many life lessons I have learned over the past few years. It's amazing how many times when you are in the deepest of pits it is in those moments where if you allow yourself to hear and feel -- what seems like a situation with no way out, turns out to be life changing and a stepping stone on life's journey.
I use the phrase allow yourself the hear and feel, because this has been one of my greatest lessons. Life is simply a series of choices. We have choices to make when we are living the good life and also difficult choices to make when we are living in crisis. The process of making a difficult choice can be so intense -- it's this internal battle of craving control all mixed up with our free spirit just wanting to break loose.
I remember so vividly the moment I realized that my little boy was going to die. We had been talking about his death for years but I always thought in the back of my mind that it would never happen -- despite his failing body and the ever growing list of medical equipment and meds that were keeping him alive. Gavin's doctor was out of town and my heart was so closed to anyone else telling me anything about my son's condition. I had a trust and bond with Dr. Raab that I will never forget -- I trusted him and watched as he fervently fought for my little boy's life. While Dr. Raab was out of town another doc had the horrible job of dealing with this mother -- not only this mother but a mother who he knew would soon loose her son. Poor guy. Anyway, Gavin had been dependent on oxygen and eventually that was not enough and he needed the support of hi flow vapotherm, a heated air that gives more support than traditional O2. I remember vividly the night the vapotherm failed, Gavin's lungs were getting worse and it was obvious that things were getting bad -- fast.
The covering doctor walked into the room with an empty look on his face, I knew he had nothing to offer us -- there simply was nothing more they could do. We made the plan to put Gavin on bipap, which for Gavin acted like a ventilator as he was not really breathing on his own. I had a great plan how Gavin was going to be placed on the bipap, we would take him home and we would continue on with life the best we could. I remember the adrenalin flowing -- I was so determined to get my child home.
"I don't think he is going to make it home. I'm not sure he is going to make it through the night."
Those were the words that stung like salt in an open wound. Reality had hit. I knew my little boy was going to die. It was at that moment where I began to learn a very difficult lesson. When we are in crisis it is so easy to sink inward, to put our fingers in our ears and to just shut down. What I found is that the more time I had with unplugged ears the more I heard -- the more I heard from Him. Making the choice to believe that I had not been forgotten -- my child had not been forsaken, even if my inner soul questioned -- making the choice to have faith when my mind's understanding was way behind brought freedom like I have never felt before.
When choices are made to trust and believe even in the midst of horrible suffering, restoration comes.
There is no greater feeling than the feeling of restoration.
We are a family being restored. We have made the choice to allow him to turn our mouring into dancing, we have givien him our sadness and he his turing it into joy. It's an amazing process but like any process it takes time. We still hurt and miss our little boy, but in this amazing beautiful way God allows us to still feel and experience joy. We are living life with great excitment -- excitiment that we will once again see our little boy, only this time he too will have been restored.