Sunday, June 13, 2010

{happy birthday}


I wasn't quiet sure how things would go leading up to Gavin's fourth birthday -- his first birthday since his death.  So far in our journey of death and grief there really hasn't been any one day that I could tell you has been the most difficult.  Truth is, everyday I wake up with out my little boy -- everyday on some level we feel a deep pain like no other.


I'm now realizing that celebrating my little boy's birthday without him physically here to hold and kiss , leaves me with the deepest pain I have yet to feel.  There is just something about this day.  This is the celebration of not only my child's life, but it is a reminder to me as a mommie of the day I gave birth -- the day this beautiful creation, formed of my own flesh and blood entered the world.  This day is a reminder of life -- and now this day is also a harsh reminder of death.


So here I am now, the night before my little boy was born just four years ago.  My heart feels like it has been ripped out of my chest as I am flooded with memories of past years, past birthdays -- past celebrations.  In the past years I have always written a letter to my sweet boy -- reminding him, myself and the world what an amazing child he is.  This year there will be no letter -- the grief is too deep, almost deadly.

So tonight I allow myself to feel the pain.  To sit and remember.  To get pissed off at the realization that I will never hold my little boy here on earth again.  

Tonight is a night of healing.  


The night Gavin died, Adam and I sat at his bed side, stroking his blond hair and rearranging his ducky just right hoping to give him some comfort.  We played the song Healer, sung by Kari Jobe, over and over.  It must have played for hours.

You hold my every moment, 
you calm the raging seas, 
you walk with me through fire, 
you heal all my disease

I trust in you
I trust in you

I believe, you're my healer.
I believe, you are all I need.

I believe, you're my portion
I believe you're more than enough for me.

Jesus your all I need

As we listen to this song we knew very well that our little boy was going to die in the next few hours.  We never second guessed God as to why He didn't choose to give Gavin the physical healing we all so desperately wanted.  We saw right before our very eyes the healing our of child.  The peace that flowed through his body was incredible.  When he took his last breath is was as if God himself came down and removed every sign of illness and suffering off his little body.


We listen to that song and not only believed God was healing our little boy but we also knew that this began the healing of our own hearts, our family as a whole.  

Tonight I sit here and despite the deep pain and anguish, there is an amazing healing taking place in our hearts.  Sometimes we just have to get dirty with pain, grief, fear, and anger to help the healing process continue on.   I'm so thankful that I serve a God who knows all about raw emotion -- and welcomes it. I'm so thankful that for every moan of grief and pain I let out, He speaks back with double the peace and comfort.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little boy.


Anonymous said...

happy birthday gavi

Mark Lopa said...

I wish I knew what to say. It's just not fair. That video is so beautiful and so sad. I just don't know what to say.

Happy Birthday Gavin.

MM said...

thank you for sharing

katie said...

happy birthday Gavin!

MommytoJonah&Jude said...

This video just makes me cry. Gavin is beautiful. Mark said what I was thinking. It seems so unfair. So thankful that you can rest in Jesus and find strength in Him. He truly does give comfort to the broken hearted. I've experienced that over and over again. Prayers going up for your family.

Lucy and Ethel said...

We celebrated Jeffrey's first birthday without him, and I can't describe adequately how excruciating it was. Thankfully (or not), we were busy with a new business we'd just opened, so I wasn't in the position to just sit and bawl.

Figuring his first angel anniversary a few months later would be even worse, we decided right then to close our business for that day. It turned out to be SO much easier for me because I looked on it as the day Jeffrey became free from SMA.

I hope you had some Gavin signs yesterday... and whenever you need them (which would be any time!)

The video is beautiful, as is your family!!!


Missy said...

Happy Heavenly birthday sweet Gavin.

I will be thinking of your family as you celebrate and commemorate your darling boy Gavin's birthday

Scott and Heather said...

Praying for you guys today!

Hold onto Ps. 61 and find a fortress.

Becky said...

Happy Birthday Gavin and special prayers sent your way today.

brandiandboys said...

happy, happy birthday sweet gavin.

~ Katie ~ said...

Happy Birthday Gavin!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Gavin, we miss you.

Melissa said...

Happy Birthday Gavi! We love you and miss you very much.

sarah said...

Once again, thank you for sharing your heart Karen! I love how you do SO many different things to remember Gavin!! Happy Birthday Gavi---we love you!!

Brayden'smom said...

Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings with us. Thank you for sharing Gavin's life with us.
Happy Birthday Gavin. We miss you and love you.

britta said...

Happy Birthday to your angel in Heaven! What a beautiful video of your little Gavi.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Angel

The Hopkins Fam said...

You would think that after 2 years of reading your blog that I would have learned not to check it before going out into public. The mascera running down my face is hardly attractive.
Happy Birthday Gavin!!!

linaviolina said...

this is so beautiful. Happy Birthday, Gavin.

a mother said...

I am so sorry you don't have your little boy to hold. It is just heartbreaking and I really don't know what to say.

Megan said...

Karen, I have been following your blog since just shortly before Gavin passed away and just wanted you to know that so many of us are still "here" with you. I can't watch the video that you posted just now, as your words and the other images of sweet Gavin have both made me smile and have broken my heart all in one evening. I want so much for this to NOT be true for your family and I feel your grief and your love for both of your beautiful children. Keep hanging in there. You are a wonderful mom.

Misty Rice said...

I don't know how you guys do it. I often find myself paralyzed at just the thought of something like this. I haven't cried this hard is awhile, but I giggled and cried watching that video. I loved how he bounced his legs up and down when he got excited or happy about something. He is truly a special little boy. The love from you guys for him is apparent, you see it in all that you do and say. You keep him alive!

Happy Happy Happy Sweat Birthday Gavin. Heaven is a place of celebration.... I hope you are dancing...!!!

Tina said...

Karen was so beautiful. I'm just in tears right now watching it. Your faith amazes me, it really does. I don't know if I could have the same strength you do. Thank you for sharing that video.

Ellen said...

Happy Birthday Gavin!!

And thanks for sharing that wonderful video!! It was beautiful! Gavin was so lucky to have you as parents and Madi for his sister.

Phyllis said...

OMG I have never seen Gavin "in action." What a crack up!! So sweet and it's amazing how much Madison has grown since that video. She really is becoming quite the young lady. I cannot imagine how much you miss your little man.

Ashley said...

seriously crying right
that video is amazing. happy birthday gavin!
you are the most precious boy ever, ever, ever.

Leah said...

such a sweet boy. happy birthday gavin! you are so missed!