I never was much of an affectionate person growing up. I'm still not exactly a touchy feely person, but it's something that is slowly changing as I am growing older. The crazy part is -- I grew up in a family of kissers. A large family of kissers. I remember leaving family dinners and bracing myself for the thirty plus juicy kisses I was about to receive and give.
The ironic part of this all is kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with my children. There is nothing more sweet than holding my little girls cheeks and kissing her pure, often food crusted face. One of the many lessons that I have learned after the death of my little boy is the power of touch. One spirit connecting with another -- no matter how intimate the touch.
The afternoon we took Gavin off life support I vividly remember holding him tightly in my arms saying what I thought was my last good bye. I held his little swollen hand to my face and with my hand in his stroked the side of my cheek over and over -- for what felt like a frozen moment in time. I think there were at least ten people in that room getting ready to pronounce his death, but I honesty don't remember anyone else there. That was my moment. My sacred moment desperately trying to forever engrain the feeling of my little boys flesh into my heart and mind.
I have so many memories of Gavin's amazing life. I often will smell a scent that takes me back to a special moment as a family before his death. Occasionally I will hear a sound that reminds me of his pump alarms or even his cry or giggle.
His touch I will never be able to recreate.
As Madison's mommie I make it my personal goal to try to touch her more often. Even if it's sitting just a little closer or running my fingers through her beautiful blonde hair just a little more often. We often just assume we give our kids enough. But I'm learning that it's quite the opposite. Sometimes it takes a little effort -- going beyond what feels natural in our own personalities, giving a little extra.
It's totally worth it. The second extra it takes to give her that extra kiss fills this mommies heart and mind to overflowing.