Tuesday, July 13, 2010

{a simple kiss}


I never was much of an affectionate person growing up.  I'm still not exactly a touchy feely person, but it's something that is slowly changing as I am growing older.  The crazy part is -- I grew up in a family of kissers.  A large family of kissers.  I remember leaving family dinners and bracing myself for the thirty plus juicy kisses I was about to receive and give.

The ironic part of this all is kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with my children.  There is nothing more sweet than holding my little girls cheeks and kissing her pure, often food crusted face.  One of the many lessons that I have learned after the death of my little boy is the power of touch.  One spirit connecting with another -- no matter how intimate the touch.


The afternoon we took Gavin off life support I vividly remember holding him tightly in my arms saying what I thought was my last good bye.  I held his little swollen hand to my face and with my hand in his stroked the side of my cheek over and over -- for what felt like a frozen moment in time.  I think there were at least ten people in that room getting ready to pronounce his death, but I honesty don't remember anyone else there.  That was my moment.  My sacred moment desperately trying to forever engrain the feeling of my little boys flesh into my heart and mind.

I have so many memories of Gavin's amazing life.  I often will smell a scent that takes me back to a special moment as a family before his death.  Occasionally I will hear a sound that reminds me of his pump alarms or even his cry or giggle.

His touch I will never be able to recreate.  


As Madison's mommie I make it my personal goal to try to touch her more often.  Even if it's sitting just a little closer or running my fingers through her beautiful blonde hair just a little more often.  We often just assume we give our kids enough.  But I'm learning that it's quite the opposite.  Sometimes it takes a little effort -- going beyond what feels natural in our own personalities, giving a little extra.

It's totally worth it. The second extra it takes to give her that extra kiss fills this mommies heart and mind to overflowing.


Taria M. said...

Well spoken!!! My mom was very affectionate to us, and it's something that I miss the most about her. Even as a young adult I could crawl into her chair with her and just sit. She was good at the hugs, kisses, and hand holding. I think affection is under-valued... it really does fill the soul. I admire your strength and the lessons you're learning. May God be honored through your endurance and continued love that flows through you and into the lives of others!!

Gilda said...

Just this morning while on my way out to work, I kissed my fifteen year old on her forehead. And thought to myself why have I never done that more often. I alway kiss my smaller ones, but never thought how much my daughter needs those kisses too. Just as much as I need her to know how much I do love her the same. Its not that I love her any different I guess when they get older they don't approach you the same, and its up to me to let her know she's still my little girl.

Chris said...

My boys are 21, 20 and 15 and it drives them nuts that I insist on hugging and kissing them when they leave, go to bed at night, whatever. I am also really big on "I love you" too. Well, they SAY it drives them nuts, but when I see them smile I can tell that they wouldn't have it any other way.

There will come a time when Madison will not want to be seen with you, much less be affectionate :) Don't let it bother you. It is only temporary ;)

Phyllis said...

I can only imagine trying to squeeze in that last touch from your baby boy. Rubbing their hands on my cheek is on of my favorites or when they take your face in their hands! UGhh the BEST!! I'm off to give my little ones an extra kiss! Thanks for the reminder!