Monday, July 19, 2010

Taking One Step...


I have two more weeks until the SheRox Triathlon in Philadelphia.  I have been training so hard and I have to admit I just can't wait for this race to be over -- I'm so tired!  The training process has been a great time for me -- a time for healing and reflection.  My mind travels all over the place over the course of a 3 mile run or 15 mile ride.  I think a lot about my family -- who we are today, who we were just one year ago and a whole lot about who we are going to be in the next year.  I think tons about my little boy and as time goes by it seems my heart and spirit can finally begin to allow myself to remember the happy times -- not just the beautiful end of my baby's suffering.  


So many great things are happening in our lives, one of which is just simply learning how to live outside chaos.  My runs provide me a 30 min block of nothingness -- something that while Gavin was alive just never happened.  Preparing for death does not allow for times of nothingness.  We wanted to pack as experience in whatever time our family had left as a family together here on earth.  

As time is progressing closer to the race and even though I've been training so hard, my body is tired and my runs seem to be getting harder.  The other day as I was outside with the intense sun beating on my back I just stared at the ground and watched my legs move. 

One foot in front of the other. 


Amazing things can happen when we just put one foot in front of the other.  And it makes me  so stinkin' happy to know that eventually the race will be over.  There is always a finish line, there is always an end -- and sometimes there is even a prize.

I'm trying to grab a hold of this for so many areas of my life.  

One foot in front of the other.


mini and brother said...

My name is Katie and I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I love the love you have for your family and your God. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Lisa Marie said...

Such a beautiful post Karen, what wonderful words. I know that sometimes I have to remind myself the same thing... we think of you all often. It's awesome you've been training so hard and i can't wait to see pictures and hear about the triatholon. Make sure someone takes pictures of you!!! :) God bless, Lisa and Michael and kiddos

linaviolina said...

you are so inspiring- thank you for sharing your amazing moments and perspective with the world, it is so needed. and it's just you being you. thanks, Karen.

Kelsey said...

Good luck with your triathlon, you will do great! You look great!! Love reading your blog, great pictures of a beautiful family!

Team Carter Jay said...

Thank you so very much for this post. It brings me a lot of peace to hear you say that you are beginning to be able to remember the happy times, and not just the end. My little guy left us on May 30th, and one of my greatest fears is that I will never be able to look at his pictures again without feeling that same happiness.

Karen Owens said...

It is still very difficult to look at his happy photo's before the
Mito took his mind. I have no problems looking at photos of the end of his life. I look at my baby and I see intense suffering and feel so greatful God decided to end the pain.

I am begining to allow myself to remember the
Good time and just experience the joy but also experience the pain in knowing what could have been.

I don't think the pain will ever go away but I am noticing that I can smile with the tears coming down my face. Feeling the hurt feels good at times and reminds of how much I loved my cute little guy.

tytysmom said...

Hi Karen

While my comments are few and the updates on my own journey (Blog) are farther between I wanted you to know that I think of you often and have taken comfort in the messages you share on your journey.

I smile at the "one foot in front of the other" as last summer I took on cycling full force and completed 3 centuries. I remember telling friends that as long as I was pedaling I was forced to put "one foot in front of the other".

Take care - I'll look forward to hearing about the Tri and your many other endeavors!