Friday, September 10, 2010

{The Day Zoe Died}

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Yesterday was a day to remember in our household -- yesterday our little fish Zoe died.  If you know me personally you probably know that I am not a pet lover.  I once had a dog named Amy, who I considered my best friend, but once she barked her last bark, I never re-entered the pet loving community.

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There was just something about this stupid fish that made yesterday a challenging day.  We purchased Zoe a little over three years ago when our life was lived more within the walls of Dupont Children's Hospital than in the outside world.  Adam and I thought Zoe would be a great addition for Madison, something she could call her own, something special for her to talk about other than her sick brother.

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Zoe just like Gavin lived a crazy life.  This fish lived week after week with no food or clean water.  A few months after Gavin died Zoe stared doing crazy things like floating on the top on the water on her side.  She couldn't swim if we fed her, so we only fed her every few weeks.  We prepared Madison that Zoe wasn't looking very good and she may soon die.  To our surprise, Madison was very excited about this.  At first she insisted that when Zoe died we would go burry her next to Gavin.  Later she began working on a grave site, as she referred to it, in our back yard.  But then Zoe defied fish world odds and started to perk up and swim again.

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Until yesterday when I found her at the bottom of the bowl.

Like I say in almost every post -- Grief is a crazy thing.  It literally sneaks up on you in the most unexpected ways and times.  I looked at that fish and my heart sank.  Madison had a tough night prior and insisted on sleeping with a 8 by 10 photo of her little brother.   This was just bad timing for another death.

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I love how God takes unexpected moments, and chooses to have us just experience emotion.  I think I needed that yesterday.  Feeling sorrow is extremely healing -- having hope in the moment of sorrow is even more healing.  Knowing God listens to my pain and then helps lift my head again -- simply beautiful.

In the end I went out and got a replacement Zoe. Not my typical parenting style -- I'm normally all for teachable moments.  

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But not right then.  

That was my teachable moment.  After all, it's not like my little girl hasn't had her fair share of loss.

7 comments:

Jessica said...

You did good, Mom. I saw your tweet and just about cried. But I am glad that you are learning to find where God is speaking even in the sorrow. Learning to recognize His voice...
hugs and prayers
Welcome newZoe.

Phyllis said...

Welcome Zoe II!! You know how much your little girl can and can't handle so I'm sure you made the right decision. Thankfully this was something you could control and protect her from.

Phyllis said...

Welcome Zoe II!! You know how much your little girl can and can't handle so I'm sure you made the right decision. Thankfully this was something you could control and protect her from.

Chris said...

Though sad, the post made me smile because it reminded me of the time I traveled ALL OVER our area to try to find a replacement guinea pig before my son came home from school. Unfortunately they are not all the same color, so it was not an easy task.

Madison has a smart mom.

Lisa Marie said...

Definitely did the right thing. You're her Mommy and know what's best for her. Some sorrows you won't be able to keep her from, so it's always nice to protect her from a little here and there. ;)
You and Adam are amazing, your children inspiring. We love hearing your story(ies) and you're still in our thoughts and prayers! God bless!

3saints said...

I would have done the exact same thing...

Hugs to you all!
Kate

Misty Rice said...

That's a tough one and I think you know your daughter and your heart more than anyone so that was just the right thing to do for you and her.

One day I can see you both talking about things and then it will hit you and you will feel the need to share with her and she will be like "REALLY?" and she will be tease you about it, then she will laugh about it and then you two will have a moment about it together in fun....

when she is alone and thinks about it again, she will smile and know she is very much loved and that her mom ROCKS!!!!

One favor... a few years down the road when that moment happens, can you just smile and remember this comment left on your blog!!!

I mean, I was going to say "track me down and email me all the details .... I like details!.... but thought that was pushing it!! *giggle-giggle*