Christmas day held so many great memories, but the most amazing was going to Gavin's grave and introducing my little boy to our new little girl. After a person dies there are so many questions as to exactly what happens. I know my faith tells me that my little boy was released of his suffering, that his body lies deep in the ground, but I also believe that God would never allow my true Gavin -- his thinking and feeling, his very essence, to stay trapped in that box.
Even though I know God is taking care of my child I still have so many questions, as most people do. Will Gavi always be three and half or will he age right along with my other children. What is he thinking? Can he see us? So many questions -- very few answers until the day I get to join my little boy. Anyway, even though I know his grave holds only a sick, mito destroyed body, there is still peace and comfort being close to his physical presence, even if we are separated by a pile of dirt.
Bringing Angela to Gavin's grave was very special. It wouldn't be appropriate in every adoption situation but for us it was just perfect. I consider myself to have three beautiful children -- and to have all their physical body's so close is an amazing feeling for a mother to feel. We speak often of the fact that Gavin left us a gift after he died. This is a truth Adam and I hold on to very tightly. We feel he gave us the ability to continue on, to live life with his legacy pouring through us. He gave us the ability to love and care for Angela and to call her our very own.
It was just an amazing time for me as a mother -- a mother who not only has lost a child, but one who also has been incredibly blessed with two other. Our time was quick at his grave, but so special. Madison had bought Gavin a little car at her school's Santa's Workshop. It was cool to see her lay it on his grave. I know her memory is slowly fading of her earlier years with her brother and these physical memories help keep her innermost memories alive.
We released a Christmas balloon up to heaven and all said a prayer it would actually float up, at least beyond the tree line! Of course we took some photos as well -- family photos with all five of us!