My wonderful husband posted this on his blog today and I just had to steal it! It's something that has been very heavy on my heart and a challenge on my journey of grief and healing. I've noticed that so many people seem to put limitations on me and my family because we have joined the hidden world of child loss. Child loss is not talked about -- it's a difficult concept to accept, no matter what your spiritual beliefs. It's hard for people to understand the possibility of joy -- deep genuine joy, despite being slammed down, overwhelmed and totally wrecked by the loss of a child.
My God specializes in wreckage.
He has this amazing ability to take what most would consider to be untouchable, too painful, beyond the grasp of any type of human understanding and intertwine his amazing love and grace and create the most wonderful and beautiful thing.
We stand before you as a family forever wrecked by the death of our little boy.
Our wreckage is starting to emit this beautiful essence that only God can create -- it's penetrating even the deepest of our hurts and is replacing every groan of our mourning with a beautiful song of joy. Our feet that once felt heavy with the burden of watching our little boy slowly die are now free to dance -- it just doesn't get any better than that.
This is what my amazing husband had to say...
I just saw this video tonight about how John Mark McMillan came around to write the song "How He Loves Us". It's an amazing story.... one that I can relate to on a very personal level. I remember while going through the midst of Gavin's stuff I would listen to this song.. and would just completely... fall.... apart. There would be times were I could not understand why.. why this had to be our life. Why wouldn't God just heal Gavin... heal him physically.. heal him just a enough so that we didn't have to be in the hospital every other week. I remember the one day driving into work.. I was just talking out loud.. and I said.. "just DO something"... and I remember this song was on the CD that I had playing... and once it came one it was just as if He said to me. "I am doing something.. Im loving you in the midst of your crisis" Even now I fight back tears just remembering that day. Sometimes life isnt pretty.. like John says in the video.. its messy, and sometimes gross. But EVEN in the midst of that..that heart ache... that pain... He is hasn't left your side. Infact He wants us to show Him just how wrecked we are...
Gavin's death has wrecked me... My life is completely changed because of it. But.. that's not a bad thing. If anything it only makes me need to rely on Christ even more. To press into the Love that Christ has for me...and my family. And in that love is unfathomable joy that He has for us. Joy that covers all hurt.. Joy that covers every tear that has been shed.. Joy that will fill the depths of our soul. Christ's love is all encompassing.. it doesn't miss anything. We just need to be willing to be wrecked to allow it to cover our whole lives. our whole being.
I don't know everyone who reads this blog.. but I just feel there is someone who needs to hear this....that needs to read these words from someone who has been wrecked. Know that you're not alone in the midst of your storm. That there is someone who is loving you through the pain and mess.