Tuesday, February 15, 2011

{Missing My Little Boy}

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I once heard it said that the first year after the death of a child is the most difficult.  After Gavin's death I really believed this, and would count the months as they went by excited for that one year mark -- just maybe we would find a little more peace.  I'm thinking who ever said this phrase, obviously does not think like me.

I find that this second year has been the most difficult.  I miss my little boy more than ever.  My desire to just go dig a path through the snow to his grave and curl up next to my baby is sometimes overwhelming.  I hate that the rest of the world is moving on.  It makes my heart and soul churn just thinking what this year would have brought.  My baby would be turning five.  He would have been able to meet his little sister. 

These words sting beyond belief.  

I remember feeling so much anxiety in that first year following Gavin's death -- fearing that one day I would simply forget.  Lately I am strangely both comforted and tormented by the thought that I will surely never forget.  The memories are not as fresh but the pain is still so very real and raw and still pierces just as deep as the day we watched him take his last breath.

I've slacked off a bit on totally surrendering to God.  The stress of our new normal often puts me in a place where it is so easy to just take on the load and carry it all by myself.  I need to give Him back so very much.  The more I carry the harder it is to let it go -- the stress, the pain, the grief, the fear -- dare I say, the control.  

Pain stinks.  Death stinks even more. But this morning I'm reminding myself that out of these ashes beauty will rise -- but only if I let it.  

7 comments:

Kelly said...

Dear Heavenly Father
Pour out your peace on this sweet family and cradle them in your loving arms.
Amen

JayCee said...

Thank you for being so honest and truthful with your feelings.
As someone once said: "Jesus knows it's hard to be us!" I'm praying that His presence will fill up the empty places in your life. May His Word comfort you. John 14 is where I go when I'm grieving the loss of my sister. Praying for you today.....

ibfamlife said...

Wow.

I have been a loyal follower of your blog for some time now. This post really resonated with me.

To say that I appreciate your honesty despite your pain doesn't even begin to explain how your faith inspires me.

Thank you for being so real. So raw. And so willing to share. I am a better person (and mommy) for reading this blog :)

Love from Ohio,
Jill

Beckypdj said...

My husband & I just past the 3rd anniversary of our son going to Heaven. You are so on target with the things you said in this post.

In the beginning of the grief process/recovery I was so devastated and held on to God so tightly for fear of losing my mind. Then time goes by and while we miss them just as much, we are able to "handle" the emotions better. I found this to be a slippery slope. So I did as you did and became desperate for God again. He never left me :)

Thanks for sharing

Martha from Pottstown said...

I love reading your posts and i check daily. Like i've said before you inspire me to be a better person. God Bless you and your wonderful family.

Anonymous said...

The second year is worse, far worse. But it also signifies a new portion of grieving somewhere along that year, not sure whether it's acceptance or gratitude for the person, or maybe it's just the weariness of grief. It does start to take an upswing where the happier memories begin to outweigh the bad ones and where small glimpses of possible future happiness will peek out once in a while, giving you the needed hope that you may just survive this. You may just be able to live again. I wish that for all of you in this second year.

Laura said...

I just heard of you and your beautiful family through a mutual friend. Thank you for taking the time to share your spirit with the blog. Your paragraph "I've slacked off a bit on totally surrendering to God" hit home and hit hard. You and Gavin have inspired me today to be a better Mother, Wife, and Daughter.
Blessings...Laura