Tuesday, September 6, 2011

{Death}

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It has almost been two years since I last held my baby boy.  I remember those last hours before he took his last breath.  I remember panicking trying to make as many memories possible in the short time before he would die.  I remember running my fingers through his hair so vigorously, almost pulling it just trying to feel so deeply what his hair felt like.  I remember holding him and putting my nose right up against his skin panicking that I may one day forget his scent.

Today as I was working on this blog trying to write Gavin's story, it just hit me.  The deepest grief, as if I were sitting in room nine at the end of the hall all over again.  But this time I can most definitely say that I have not forgotten.  My love for Gavin is still so strong and my pain in still just as raw.  And that's ok.  In these tears that hurt so bad I feel -- I feel, something I was worried would one day stop.

Death is crazy.

030

Once I became a mommie I had one job -- to make everything better.  When my babies cry I hold and comfort and meet their needs.  This is the most difficult part of losing a child.  Nothing -- nothing I do can change the fact that he is forever gone.

And this is where it gets amazing.  

In the midsts of my pain there is still Hope.

For me to ignore that fact would be forgetting everything I learned through the life and death of my sweet boy.  It's in my pain that beautiful healing can come, it's moments like this today where I'm dressed and ready to go to the gym and not expecting to grieve that God can come and simply love me -- love my ugly grief and help me put back together the pieces until I need breaking again.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

i have seen these photos many times... and then today something new stuck out. In that last photo...Gavin's left hand was holding onto your shirt. It made me loose it. I love how when I am holding my children they grab on to me...
Karen you are such a great mommy! Thank you for sharing your highs and lows with us.
I miss your boy so much and can still he his sweet smile!
(dawn)

Chris said...

Karen, all of your posts about Gavin have moved me, but this one really was a kick in the gut. I know that feeling of going along with a daily task then being blindsided by grief.

I cannot believe it has been almost two years. Wow.

julie said...

Thank you for sharing your story of hope, faith, & love. Thank you for showing that this journey is not in vain and God is God no matter what our circumstances are. Christ is using your family in a Mighty way, thank you for accepting the calling with humbleness.

JayCee said...

I agree with the other comments - thank you for sharing your story with us - the ups and downs. We've witnessed the goodness of God, even amidst the badness of circumstances. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie "Faith Like Potatos" but you are an example of that kind of faith and I can almost see Gavin in heaven cheering you on. Thanks for being so real!

amwz photography said...

you are blessed. Do you believe in God's graces? I learn more and more about them the older I get. I am not much older than you.. 4 kids of my own with a fantastic husband.
We have been blessed by God's graces for so many things... you are too.