In the last months of Gavin's death, while we watched his body fail and his horrific suffering, I like any normal human being would have times where I pleaded with God to show me just how this -- the death of my little boy could play any part in His plan for our families life. At the time it was very hard to see -- but Adam and I trusted and believed that one day we would understand why Gavin's life played out in the manner that it did. I remember after his death while I was training for my first triathlon, running on the treadmill listen to the song, Show me your glory. I've mentioned this song before, but it basically is a cry to see the the Glory of God -- the intense awesomeness that our human minds could never possible comprehend. I begged God to show me his glory in my life -- in the death of my little boy. This song carried me through may difficult times of intense grief the months following Gavin's death -- each time I would cry out for understanding and each time He would give me just enough.
Last week after an early morning trip to the gym this song came on as I was driving home. I had this crazy moment of understanding that literally brought me to tears. It hit me -- This song no longer is a cry of my heart but rather a reminder of the His amazing Glory that I have seen. So often people beg to see a glimpse of his awesome power and blessing and yet do nothing to seek it out. I have found that it has been through adoption that Adam and I have seen the intense reality of who and what God is all about. We have looked into a child eyes who was once deemed unwanted, broken and damaged and reclaimed them as wanted, sought after and perfectly designed. This is a glimpse of what God's glory is all about -- helping those He loves -- extending the same grace to others that was places on us. And the best part for me to wrap my mind around is that our ability to do this is a gift that our little fighter left us behind. It doesn't take away the loss or pain but it gives me understanding, peace and excitement to know that his life was not in vain. As I drove home my heart and mind was overwhelmed with a deep level of gratitude that He would allow us to walk this journey.
I can't even begin to tell you how excited we are to welcome a new member to our family. Tomorrow we most likely (as long as everything goes ok at DHS), will meet our new little boy and once again our life will be forever changed. My anxiety is through the roof as there are so many unknowns. The feeling of that first encounter is incredible but also filled with nerves -- there is nothing like being watched an analyzed as you meet your child for the first time. How will he react? How will the staff in the facility perceive us? How will DHS perceive us? All these things are running through my mind. Please pray that Adam and my nerves will be calmed so we can simply enjoy our day. I know it's gonna be amazing, I just have to make sure I limit my caffeine intake tomorrow morning **wink**
God is so good. Everyday I am blown away that he would choose me -- Karen Owens. I'm nothing special. I have the same downfalls as your average women but God's grace is overwhelming. Can't wait to blog about the littlest Owens!