I remember learning about heaven when I was a little girl. I had this vision of a city on a giant cloud with lots of gold and a slight resemblance of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory -- you know the part where they all go hog wild in the edible forest like place with that chocolate river. No one really knows what heaven actually is like, and I think God likes it that way. I totally believe it is one of those, can't even comprehend it until you actually are there, type situations.
Today in the car as we passed Gavin's grave, as we do almost everyday, Madi asked me out of the blue if when she dies, will Gavin be old or will he still be three. I love when she asks these questions -- they are so real, so innocent, so totally what faith is all about. I explained to her that I just didn't know, and that no one knows, we just have to wait until we get there. I told her that personally I would really love it if Gavin was just the same as the day we said good bye -- she happily agreed.
One of the many things I've learned as not only a mommie to now three cool kids, but also as a mommie who has walked this kind of path, is that there is so much power and healing that comes in just saying I don't know. Madi has had so many questions since her brother's death, some of which are difficult even for a person removed from the situation to be able to think about. I really feel like allowing our children to see us as imperfect beings -- not having all the answers and simply saying I don't know holds a lot of power. I have found that it allows Madison to create her own dreams and visions with of course some gentle guidance by Adam and I.
Heaven has taken on a brand new meaning for me. Instead of visions of chocolate waterfalls and streets of gold I now envision my little boy walking.
Even better, I can almost feel his touch once again -- almost.