Home is a powerful thing and this past week I've really been hashing out in my own mind what exactly home is. Since our desire to bring Jayden home is so strong, this idea of home has been running through my mind on a several times daily basis. The other day when driving to see Jayden I had this vivid memory of a time during the last few day's of Gavin life.
After we removed life support from Gavin and he didn't die, as everyone expected -- we experienced some intense times with our little boy. Even though he was breathing on his own, he was not breathing correctly and his lungs slowly filled with fluid. As time went on, despite our best attempts to keep him comfortable he would wake up with air hunger, in a panicked state trying to breath. He was very delirious due to the his rising CO2 levels and also the pain medication. The only thing that would get him to relax was when I whispered in his ear, "mommie's going to take you home." In the back of my mind I knew very well that he wasn't going to make it home, but I knew that the very essence of what home meant would bring him some sense of peace.
Even though Gavin had a physical home, his and our families life was lived in turmoil -- home was often in the hospital. I then started to think about Jayden. Just because he is not in a physical home doesn't mean that we can't create the sense of home for him. After all home is so much more than a physical building -- it's peace, security and most of all an intense forever love that nothing could possibly replace or mimic.
The change that we have seen in Jayden over this past month has been pretty darn cool, even the nursing staff notice the marked difference in him. When we first started visitation last month Jayden was all over the place -- almost crawling out of his skin at times. He just has trouble finding peace in his own mind, which is a part of his brain injury. Well this past week we have had numerous moments with Jayden where he will just lay in our arms -- settle in as if the he is feeling true love for the first time ever in his life. He's still all over the pace as most two year olds are but I can't help but think that his little mind is beginning to catch a glimpse of what home is all about.
Christmas is a bit extra difficult this year. Not only do we not have Gavin here with us but we also have another beautiful little boy who has yet to come home. So I find myself going back to this redefinition of home -- taking out the physical meaning of all being together in one house and allowing God to show Adam and I the supernatural connections true love creates -- allowing us all to be together, some in spirit, some through legacy and others through physical touch.