Tuesday, June 12, 2012

{living like it's their last}


No one ever could have fully prepared me for the death of my three year old little boy.  Even up until the days before his death after his DNR was put into place and we were told that we needed to make arrangements for his body.  His body?  What the heck, my little boy was still right in front of me in fact just a few short weeks earlier he still had a faint glimmer of life still in him -- an occasional smile.  During his last hours I laid by his bed with my one hand vigorously stroking his blond hair and the other hand resting on his chest feeling each and every beat of his heart.  Even after I felt his heart stop for a brief moment and my adrenalin surged through my tired body I still was not able to fully grasp that my baby boy who I once had hopes for as far as the sky was about to leave me forever.

It's just something you can never be prepared for.


This week our sweet Gavin would be turning six.  Did you catch that? Six years old.  It's both hard and painful to swallow and at times the pill feels so big that I'd rather just spit it out and pretend that it doesn't exist. 



Out of all the death holidays, if that's even such a thing, this one is by far the worst.  What once was a day a celebration and extreme excitement -- that he once again beat the odds, proved medical science wrong and was a celebration of survival, is now a day of what if's.  I hate that that I only have three years to reflect on.  Hate it.  Most of the day's we choose to remember, like the day of his death and his time of diagnosis are days of reflection to simply remember and feel, his day of birth however is very different for me as his mother.  I birthed my baby from my very body. I remember the pain.  I remember the final push that brought him into this very world.  His birth is part of my existence -- it's something I just can't reflect on but something that I feel in the deepest part of my soul.  

With all this said I have learned this -- life can be taken away at any time.  Don't waste it.


It's within all this pain that God has chosen to do some pretty mind blowing stuff.  I'm not so sure God caused all this crap but I do know that He has given Adam and I this ability to overcome -- to walk out of a pit so nasty and ugly and step out still alive -- still breathing and still willing to fight.


With that will to fight came love like no other and with that love came two additional amazing children.  So now where does life take us?  I'm not sure.  What I am sure of is this -- We as a family live as if this is our last -- our last hug, our last smile, our last trip to the park, our last goodnight and the list could go on forever.


God has given us so very much.  We as a culture are always looking for more, always looking way to far ahead.  Some of the biggest blessings are sitting on the sofa right next to us, maybe even asking the billionth question of the day, wanting us to watch their same dance routine that we've seen a million times and even though they try to convince us they've added a new move -- it looks exactly the same.  

Go hug your babies -- live like it's their last.  


Laura said...

I will....I will...

The Baker's Wife said...

Reading your blog has always cut me to the quick. I have not checked in for a little while, and I am just blown away by your post today. So heartbreaking. So real. So inspiring. Our God is so Awesome, but you have been through some challenges I cannot even begin to fathom. I will always be in awe of you for how you have handled your challenges and blessings. With honesty and grace. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. All of it.

The Baker's Wife said...

Amazing post! Your posts have frequently cut me to the quick, and I have often sat at my desk teary eyed after reading them, and not being able to fathom the challenges you have faced. I love that you always share your feelings honestly and recognize both the challenges and the blessings. Thank you so much for continuing to share your journey and continuing to inspire me each time to thank God for all the blessings he has given me and recognize out of the challenges, God has bigger plans in-store. Your rock!

Do Bianchi said...

Stumbled upon your blog doing research for a charity blog I've been running and just wanted to let you know that I was here and was deeply moved by your writing and your wisdom.

For what it's worth, our family (in Austin, Texas) is sending you our thoughts and prayers.

That's all... thanks for sharing this... it means a lot...

phoffman said...

Your sister posted your blog on facebook. Thank you for sharing this! What a horrible experience but you have definately taught me that I shouldn't look ahead and I should cherish every moment I have. I hope you and your family can find the strength to do the same.

OHN said...

Very true words. Four families in my community lost children in a tragic accident a couple of weeks ago. One of the teens that died was a friend of my son. My son tried to make sense of the entire event. The kids weren't drinking, they weren't using drugs....they were just having fun, being kids. He really wanted me to give him a reason why these bright, loving, happy teens died..and as you know there is no way to explain any of it. I guess this is where the word "faith" comes in, I'm not sure. There are now 8 parents that are devastated and a community mired in shock and sadness. I hope the families are able to see the good in life after the bad, like you have done so beautifully.

Phyllis said...

Wow, I cannot imagine how difficult Gavin's birthday must be. You inspire me often to live life to the fullest for my family and myself. Still can't wait to see Jayden's little face!

Philippa said...

My heart is sore for you, and at the same time overjoyed by you beautiful family. Praying for that you would always be able to overcome the situations you may face. And for such peace, joy and love to continue to overflow.

Elisse said...

Praying for you today & so thankful for your life and the lives of your family.

You are all an inspiration to those around you. I can not imagine what a mix of emotions you are dealing with but I am so grateful for the poise with which you handle the circumstances. Your life gives hope to so many others & especially today, I am grateful for your words.

Peace, hope and love can be found amidst every trial and every corner. Thank you for that reminder!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the reminder, Karen.