Thursday, October 25, 2012

Taking a Look at Me.

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It's about that time of year where my heart starts to ache a bit more as my mind replays the final weeks of our little boy's life.  For some reason it has hit me a bit early this year. Maybe because my heart is actually healing a bit -- the daily pain that once left me breathless each and every morning has transformed over the years into peace -- the grief will always be there but peace has also come along side my sorrow.  Now that November is once again almost here I can't help but relive those last weeks - both the pain and the joy.

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This week at work I have been taking a formal look at my personality.  This test was about 100 questions all concerning how I tick -- where I get my energy from. It took me by surprise at just how difficult this test was for me to take. It made me step back and realize that I really have no clue who I am.  I don't understand what makes me tick and I certainly have no clue where my energy comes from. As I was sitting in my office trying to answer the questions in the most accurate way, feeling completely detached and in a borderline I have no clue who I am as a person crisis God gave me this thought:

It's ok, because I know who you are.

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There is no hiding that my soul is marked some of the deepest scars a mother could ever wear.  I'm coming to learn that those very scars have formed me into the complex and unique individual I am today.  Simple questions such as which word makes you most comfortable: Theory or Fact, are altered in my world.   What I consider fact -- that joy is possible in the trenches of sorrow, most consider to be beyond theory -- maybe even a lie.  Somehow, when we listen to Gavin's body take it's final labored breath, we felt peace.  How?  How does that happen?  I just don't know.

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What I do know is this. We will never understand so many things in this life.  I don't understand why God created me to be the complex individual I am today. I have seen a glimpse -- and honestly I'm not sure my human mind could handle more.  His intricate plans for our lives, our children's lives are often times filled with so much of His glory that if we were to fully have the knowledge and understating that our human minds crave we would simply be knocked to the ground leaving us unable regain composure.  At least that's how I feel.

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I would love to view God's personality test.  Or maybe I don't.  His ways are not our ways -- and that is a really good thing.  


3 comments:

Francine said...

You are so blessed to have felt peace during Gavin's last hours on earth. I read another blog where the mother talks about be haunted by her son's last hours. He also died of mito and she has doubts that she made the right medical decisions, she says that he acted scared and kept calling out to her right before he died. The day before he died, she prayed that he wouldn't have to endure another painful dressing change and she wonders if her prayers got answered in a way she never dreamed. I wish I could say something to her to make her feel better but I don't have a clue what to say.

On another note, I just absolutely love that you believe in God's plan for you. It totally makes me believe to and it inspires me to be a better person.

JayCee said...

You are amazing!

Jessica Watson said...

Thinking of you as the days get tougher. We are just getting through our "month" and it was tougher than I thought it would be. Maybe it is as you said, the further away it gets the less I grieve daily and the more intense it is during anniversaries.